


Midnight Lullabies

by BrightStarDarkNight



Category: Orange is the New Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24459769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightStarDarkNight/pseuds/BrightStarDarkNight
Summary: One fateful night changes everything for Nicky and she's suddenly thrown into a whole new world - motherhood. / Hush little baby, mama's near, to brush your hair and calm your fears. Nicky/Red
Relationships: Lorna Morello/Nicky Nichols, Nicky Nichols & Galina "Red" Reznikov
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. Before

Nicky stared at the bathroom mirror. The quiet of the early morning always had a calming effect and now, especially now that Red had been released a few months previously, it was her place of solace. The dark engulfed her, and unlike the suffocating ill-lit dormitories, it allowed her to breathe properly. She didn't know if it was the fact that it was where she first met Red; she didn't know if it was because the cubicles reminded her of Lorna, or if it was the fact that for five fucking minutes she could finally be alone. Whatever the reason, she reveled in her blissful solitude in the sweet moments before anyone else was awake.

She exhaled a heavy sigh, her shaking hands coming to rest gently on her flat stomach. She ran her fingers up her abdomen, her eyes squinting in the darkness. Not wanting to think anymore, she squeezed her eyes shut. The heroin she had managed to get her hands on the previous day still gave her a buzz, and, even though it was duller than yesterday's, it made her think less and that was the only thing she had wanted...the only thing she had planned for.

Swallowing hard, Nicky tried not to dredge up the events of the past. She looked down to the floor - nothing could change what had already happened. Her breathing ragged and legs weak, she tried to keep her tired eyes open in fear of being caught.

_The janitor closet door slamming shut behind her. "This is what you want, Nichols?"_

Her isolation is disturbed firstly by a mop that pokes through the bathroom door, then a muttering of complaint. "This bathroom's always dirty. Especially with the shower pooper..." Crazy Eyes stares at the other inmate, surprised to see her without a mop or another girl.

"What a fucking mess," Nicky murmured, her voice barely a whisper as she attempts to push the other inmate out of her mind and sight. The reaction is just what Suzanne was coveting, and her face beamed with a smile; finally, someone understood the misgivings of being on janitor duty, and even if Nicky wasn't strictly talking about the state of the shower stalls, Suzanne didn't seem to notice or care. Reluctant tears drip down Nicky's cheeks as she continues to stare at herself in the fingerprint smeared mirror.

"Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt. And I like to clean things, pretend the dirt is the feelings, and this floor is my mind. That is called coping..." she stopped her speech to look up at Nicky, and held out the mop hesitantly. People were forever looking at her like a freak; she didn't want yet another snicker but somehow it felt right this time.

Nicky's head snapped up. "If a mop could solve all our problems none of us would be in this shit-hole in the first place." Then she saw the expression she had caused as she emerged from the anger that had somehow been blinding. The expression that had been hers so many times from Marka's disappointment, from her dismissal. And she relented through gritted teeth, fingernails dug into the splintered wood handle, unsure of where her anger was even directed at. "Thanks, kid."

Nicky sauntered over to the table where Red waited expectantly and sat down heavily. Red leaned forward, her eyebrows raised, surprised at her lack of emotion. Her own emotions bubbled beneath the surface and she was shocked that she'd managed to not get up and run to her. "Nicky," she breathed, her hands immediately scrabbling to the younger woman's hair, fingers ghosting along her hairline to caress her face. It had been at least month since they'd last seen each other, and although they'd spoken on the phone, most of the conversation was taken up by Nicky feigning excitement for Red's release and reunion with her family. "How are you, _malyshka_?"

Nicky nods quickly, her curls bouncing around her face. "Good," she answered, a lie easily spilling from her lips, her eyes meeting Red's for the first time since she'd sat down. Nicky shook her head and relaxed into Red's touch, irrevocably familiar to her. "You didn't have to come. You haven't seen your boys in a long time." Nicky's voice tapered off and she shrugged hopelessly, her gaze falling to Red's scarlet fingernails. She shrugged as if she didn't care - because if you didn't care, you couldn't hurt - and let her body language tell a different story as her fingers held onto Red's like a baby's wrapped around its mothers. "You're probably really busy."

"I spent all week with them," Red answered honestly, doing all she could to stop herself from sounding too excited. She missed her girl more than words could ever say. "And you're my girl. You know, my right hand, my girl Friday, my V.P," she teased. "I missed you. Didn't you miss me, hmm?" Her fingers flipped through her newly colored red hair. It was surprising what an expensive salon could do to make someone feel lighter.

Nicky sniffed and tried not to look indignant. Didn't you miss me? Nicky screamed inside of her head, staring straight ahead into those blue eyes that had been both the wide open ocean, full of hopes and dreams, and the lifesaver for her, and tugged at the bottom of her shirt. She had only thought about her around a thousand times a day. Every time something mildly interesting, her first thought was still to tell Red, and there was still an ache of disappointment in her chest when her bunk was filled with someone else. When the kitchen was filled with the sounds of humming and not angry Russian yelling. But she had digressed, and tried to focus on Red once again.

"More than skirts," she said quietly, her fingers squirming underneath Red's own clammy hands. She exhaled heavily. _More than almost anything._

Red laughed and took a deep breath. "And what about you? You've been behaving yourself, yes?" The hope in her voice was almost too much for Nicky to bear. Sweat prickled under her arms as she gazed uneasily back at Red.

"Yeah," she smiled, her teeth baring in more of a grimace than a grin. "I've been trying," she replied honestly. "What's going on with you?"

Red shook her head. "Oh, you wouldn't believe it." Her eyes narrowed and she leant on her elbows, leaning closer to Nicky. She had all but forgotten her own question, and seemed satisfied by Nicky's seemingly truthful answer. "It's Vasily's wife."

Nicky's head snapped up in surprise. "Sparkle Tits?" A ghost of a smile appeared on Nicky's face as she remembered all of the times that Red had complained about her. "But I thought she took the kids and the tits and the Guinea pigs and moved to Sheepshead Bay?" Nicky said, a thick and angry Russian accent spilling from her lips as Red watched on, finally quirking her lips into a smile.

"That's right," Red continued, fuming with anger. "Two months ago. My son might be useless but he's still a father, and he's not even going to live with his newborn. And taking the little one away from his babushka is just criminal." Red tutted and tucked her hair behind her ears. The mundane conversation made them both feel almost normal, and then Red finished her rant. "She thinks she's pregnant again!" From her mouth, the word sounded almost sinful, and Nicky winced. Red gave a snort of derision, but her eyes softened. "Of course I'll love the baby. But I'm just saying," she sighed, "I think there are better situations to have children in."

 _It could be worse,_ she thought grimly. Nicky nodded absently, her mind wandering. "When you're right, you're right."

Nicky played with the phone cord as she punched in an oh-so familiar number. So it was a shock when an unfamiliar voice rang out with her name. "Nicky! Mom's out but she'll be back any minute. How are you?"

"Who is this?" Nicky asked after a moment of silence. It could have only been one of three, and her question was clearly a delay tactic to the previous question, but the voice on the other end laughed.

"I thought you called me," the voice on the other line boomed with laughter. "It's Vasily! Mom told us all about you. I guess you're like a sister. Huh."

Nicky laughed softly, letting herself admit that it was nice to think like that. "Well, congrats bro. I heard the news about Sp-" she stopped herself for a moment, before continuing, "I heard the news about your wife."

"Of course you did," he sighed. "But she's not my wife, you know - Ma just says that. And thanks. But she got it wrong. Told me this morning."

Nicky didn't even have time to process the information before a breathless voice interrupted. "Nicky!"

After the easygoing conversation with Vasily, Nicky swallowed. It was always hard to hear her voice and not be able to look at her, to exchange laughter. She didn't know how her sons had survived all this time without her. Fuck, she didn't know how she was going to survive her last year in Litchfield without her.

"Red," Nicky murmured. "How are you?"

"Relieved!" Red almost sung. "I heard Vasily telling you. It was a stressful couple of days, waiting to hear back from the doctors. It was for the best," Red said, and Nicky wonders if she was giving that signature smile to Vasily. "Honestly, malyshka. For all of your troubles, at least you won't be getting pregnant."

"Yeah, Ma - here's the thing…" Nicky begun, her voice faltering. She wasn't sure what to say for the best - or, indeed, if it was better to say nothing at all.

"What is it?" Red hissed. "Is it drugs? Oh God, please - anything but fucking heroin." Red doesn't give Nicky a chance to continue. "Was it Luschek? Son of a bitch."

"No," Nicky said slowly. _Great. Start with another lie._ "Not him. Or drugs. Not really. Something worse," she whispered hoarsely, her voice cracking. She gripped the phone tightly with both hands and felt relieved that no-one ever wanted to use the phone on movie night. The guards had swapped and there was no-one listening to the phones, so Nicky felt able to continue. "I guess it was about a month or two ago…" she shook her head. "It's hard to remember."

"What is?" Red asked desperately. "Don't fuck me around!"

"I'm not!" Nicky insisted. "I was alone. At least I felt it. Lorna was busy with whatever his name is. I don't know why I did it." She hesitated. "That's a lie. I did know. I do know, I mean. I wanted to forget for a little while. To feel good." Red groaned on the other end, but said nothing. "I didn't ask," she said, as if that made it better. "He said he had it. Told me that he'd heard why I'd gone to max. He said he only wanted one thing for it...obviously."

"Oh, Nicky," Red said softly.

Nicky ignored the pleading voice, and the plea that came with it - tell me it's not true. "So I did it." She closed her eyes. "I just pretended I wasn't. Went somewhere else in my head. He ignored me after, which was fine by me."

"So it ended okay? You've done something stupid, _malyshka_ , but end it here. No more drugs. Do the rest of your sentence with no trouble. I want to see you when you get out, not be dead by then."

"But Ma-"

"No excuses! Just fucking do it," Red said irritably, wishing she could be there to keep an eye on her.

"Ma," Nicky's voice had grown desperate. She lowered it even though there was no-one around. "I missed my period."

There was a moment of silence. Just a nano-second, so short-lived that anyone else might not have noticed it. So lacking that anyone else would have questioned its meaning and mere existence. And then she laughed. Nicky wasn't sure if she was laughing at her, or with her...or just because of her. It wasn't her usual laugh; it wasn't deep and throaty and relentless when she wished she'd take her seriously. It was almost hysterical with undertones of disbelief, like something horribly wrong had happened along the way to it escaping from her lips.

"Okay," Red said finally, as she leant on a counter top for strength. Her head span and she felt as if both the world and her lungs were collapsing in on her as she tried to catch her breath. "Here's what we're gonna do..."


	2. Month One

Month one

Nicky stared at the ceiling. If she stayed in bed, and didn't let the tears slip from her eyes, then it was easier to pretend that it wasn't happening. Saying that it was early days was an understatement, and yet it still felt like the end of her world as she knew it was just around the corner. And all for fucking heroin, like she couldn't survive without it, like her very existence relied on the rush of endorphins and shame that came at the end of every high.

It might not even be...that, she reasoned with herself as she tried to block out the sounds of morning approaching in the dorms. I only missed my period once. It could be anything...

She shook her head. Denial was a powerful thing; when she was a kid, she used to pretend that Paloma was her mom, as she clung to her hand walking down the street. She believed her own lies, sometimes - but store windows always told her differently and the smile would slip off of her face as she studied their differences. She couldn't pretend then and she certainly couldn't pretend now. She wished that she could blindly believe anything that seemed better than the truth. Lorna seemed to do it so easily, and even though people pitied the girl for doing it, Nicky thought that right now, it seemed like a good solution to the crushing pressure she felt.

She forced herself to stand. A little electroshock therapy didn't hurt anyone, she thought grimly as she pulled her boots on. She couldn't be bothered to shower. The lines would be too long for this time in the morning and just putting her bra on had been agony as her hands brushed over her tender chest. It felt like PMS but ten times worse as she stretched her back and started to walk towards the bathrooms.

Snagging the stall that still had a door, Nicky sat down on the toilet and stared at the graffiti covered walls. Regardless of all of her past, all of the potentially dirty needles she had stuck into her arm and the amount of women she bedded whilst here, it still made her squirm to think how many ladies had sat where she was sitting. She finished and stood, wishing that she didn't have to head straight to electrical.

Still, she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other, waving to Norma as she trudged over there. No matter how shit she felt, she wasn't going to push away the only family she had left, even if they weren't who she craved to be around. Red wasn't here, she reminded herself, casting her eyes down to the floor with a steely stare. She wasn't...she couldn't pick up the pieces this time. On the outside, she had grown used to being numb to loneliness. Filled the void with drugs and sex, ignored Marka's pleas and did whatever the fuck she wanted to. Now, she wished that her mom was here, with a cold blue stare and hands that steered her in the right directions. To yell and scream and curse until Russian words replaced the English. To hold her close when she finally cracked, tears rolling down her eyes.

Pent up emotions fight their way out as Nicky stepped into the old building with the door slamming behind her. Luschek stopped his redundant speech about the importance of fuses and stared at her. "It's obvious that someone has their red dot special. Come on Nichols - you'll be the one fixing that door." He laughed obnoxiously and Nicky rolled her eyes and wished she was on her period, despite the awful name he assigned it.

"Actually, no." Nicky snapped, pulling more plaster from the hole in the wall she'd created previously. She chipped a little away before looking up. "Why, are you? Did you think we'd synced up?"

Nervous titters of laughter bubbled from other ladies in the room whilst Chapman raised her eyebrows at Nicky's odd behavior. Whilst it wasn't strange for her to have a witty comeback, it usually didn't deliver with such a harsh bite to her voice. "You okay, Nicky?" Piper asked softly, and Nicky stared at her coldly, her attention finally pulled from the wall.

"Me?" She laughed but with no trace of amusement. "I'm fucking fantastic."

Chapman nodded. "Missing Red?" She asked, fiddling with a wire in front of her. "I get it. It can be really fucking lonely in here," she conceded. "I miss my mom sometimes. Sometimes," she emphasized.

"Sure, Chapman, but your mom was never here. You never got used to having her around. I got used to having no mom. Now I have one and she's too far away." Nicky looked to the floor. "But yeah - like I said. I'm fantastic."

Piper nodded, a sympathetic smile on her lips. It made Nicky squirm but she didn't look away. Instead she held the gaze, her eyes hardened. "I know."

The phone felt heavy in Nicky's tired hands as she waited for the call to be screened and for Red to accept it. The wait always felt like an eternity and it was weird to think about Red having to accept calls from a prison she had only just been released from.

"I wondered when you were going to call," Red said dryly from the other end. "You know I get home at five, right?" Red's voice is bright and breezy and although Nicky knew she wasn't really mad, the thought of disappointing her - again - made her crumble a little inside.

"Mhmm." Nicky hummed, her fingers entangling with the cord. "I'm tired," she whined, "and my feet and back hurt." Like a child, Nicky couldn't seem to help herself - there was an instinct to let her mother know exactly what she was going through.

Red frowned sympathetically, her hands stroking her apron as if it was Nicky herself. "I know, malyshka. Being female has a lot of...negatives," she finished slowly.

"It fucking sucks!" Nicky groaned. Red let the ghost of a smile appear on her lips for just a moment, before she heard the exhale of a shaky breath, when it quickly fell from her face and she gripped the phone tightly. "What should I do?" Nicky whispered. A sigh escaped from her lips and it physically pained Red that she couldn't reach out and hold her. "What can I do, here?"

It wasn't a secret that Red always had an opinion and never imagined that it would be wrong to share it, but this time, she stopped. It was important to her that this was Nicky's decision, Nicky's opinion. She nodded thoughtfully. "What...what do you want to do?"

"I don't fucking know, Red!" Nicky snapped, her hand flying to her head in frustration. "If I made good decisions, I wouldn't be here...and I wouldn't be, well - you know," she muttered darkly.

"Okay," Red said finally. "You've only got a year left," she said tentatively, acutely aware of how long a year sounded when you were still behind bars. "A baby..." Red smiled though there were a thousand problems with the very notion, and both of them knew it, "I'm not telling you what to do, sweetheart, but a child changes things. They do."

"Yeah. They ruin your life. You only have to look at inmates here. The Spanish girls, Diaz and Ruiz. Sophia. Marka! And she had a thousand nannies..." Nicky trailed off, her head shaking. "Marka was always very open about the fact that she didn't want me. I'm sure the human race will survive without another life-ruiner."

Red bit her lip, somewhat thankful that she wasn't with Nicky because if she had been, the urge to shake the stupid out of her might have been too strong to resist. "What about me, huh? Don't be facetious, Nicky - it won't get you anywhere with me."

Guilt instantly rained down on Nicky as she tried to not snap another sarcastic remark back at her. "I know," Nicky said quietly, and she let the facade fall for the shortest moment, "I know you're always behind me, but not everyone was." She cleared her throat self-consciously. "I guess I'm used to having to look out for myself."

Red sighed. "Nicky," she said, closing her eyes in frustration, "I know that. A thousand times over I know that. But I'm here now, and I promise I'm not going anywhere. Not even now. Not ever. Ask my boys," she said with a chuckle, "I always know what's going on with them."

Nicky snickered. "I don't doubt it." She hesitated. "A year left," she said out loud, testing how it felt to say. "What happens after, though?"

"After what?" Red said cautiously. "When you're released?"

"Yeah," she said. "Or before that. Where...where would it go?"

Red paused. "I'm not sure," she answered truthfully. "Perhaps...perhaps Marka?"

Nicky's sharp intake of breath said everything Red needed to know about her feelings and she winced. "I know, malyshka, but-"

"There aren't any buts, Red!" Nicky said angrily. "How could I do that? I'd be going against everything I've ever said about her." She almost shook as she gripped the phone. "What about you?" She demanded. "Why not you?"

"Nicky," Red said gently. "They're not going to let me have the baby. I'm an ex-con! But it's only a month or two, babies don't start to remember until-"

"I'll remember, Red," she said quietly. "And how am I supposed to know what's going on? Marka won't visit. She barely phones, and when she does it's to tell me that I'm doing something wrong. What if she won't?" Her hand flew to her stomach, still flat, but with the makings of something wonderful stirring inside, and feels sick at the thought of never knowing. She didn't even want the damn thing, but no matter how hard she tried to ignore it, strong feelings of protection fought their way to the surface. "What happens when I get out? I can't, I don't know how to look after things. I don't know the first thing," she rambled. "I'll be just like Marka."

"Nicky," Red said seriously, her voice sharp. "Listen to me. You are not Marka. You're not. Do you understand me?"

"Yes," Nicky uttered hoarsely.

"And Marka?" Red laughed despite the dire situation. "That bitch is no match for me, sweetheart. I'll make sure everything works out okay for you." Nicky managed a smile. "Nothing will stop me from ever making sure you're okay. You'll know soon enough." Red paused. "Don't worry. Whatever happens, I will make sure that everything is okay."

Nicky nodded. "I know. Listen, Red - I'll call you tomorrow. I've gotta go to bed now, but, uh...just know. I believe you. And thanks, Ma."

Red smiled. "Of course you believe me. Now get some rest and don't over do it. Don't worry about a thing. I'm going to sort it out, malyshka. Just you wait and see."


	3. Month Two

_Month two_

Red drummed her fingers on the table as the phone rang, every ounce of her being praying that there would be an answer on the other side. Every ring felt like an eternity and after what felt like ten years, Red almost slammed the phone down. But then a voice rang through, loud and clear.

"Nichols residence. How may I help you?" The voice that answered the phone could have only been one person, from Nicky's very apt description. Red smiled as she remembered what Nicky had said.

_Marka? Eh...well, she can't stand to be having the conversation. A little rushed. Mostly pissed. But of course - that's only when she actually talks to you._

"I'm Galina Reznikov," she said confidently. She worked up the nerve to continue, quietly clearing her throat. "I saw your ad for a cook - the online one," she explained. She had spent weeks looking for a job and then she saw that golden ticket on an ad as she scrolled mindlessly. _Marka Nichols. Full time cook wanted._

"Oh yes, this is her speaking." Marka said vaguely, sounding like literally anything else would be a preferable conversation. There was a slight hesitation and then she continued. "When can you start?"

"Whenever." Red said, ready to reel off all of her positive attributes. "I'm very flexible, and -"

"Monday?" Marka replied quickly, interrupting Red without a hint of an apology on her lips. She sighed in frustration. "I have a dinner party on Tuesday. I need to run through the menu with you, and I'm very busy at the moment. That gives you two days to prepare which I'm sure will be fine. How's that?"

"Monday is fine," Red returned, equally as fast, trying her best to sound enthusiastic. It wasn't her strong point. "I'll bring along a list of recipes to show you."

"That's fine. But you won't be talking to me." The little laugh at the end of the sentence made Red itch to say something, but she just nodded through it. "My PA will sort it out with you. Reznikov, how do you spell that?" Marka wondered out loud, finally her tone coloring with some sort of interest.

"R-E-Z-N-I-K-O-V." Red spelled out patiently, hardly daring to believe that she'd actually managed to get the job. "Will there be an interview? The other applicants must have called by now."

Marka laughed. It was hard to believe this was the same woman that had taken such an apathetic attitude to her only child. "Take the dinner party as your interview. All goes well, then you're hired. See you on Monday, Mrs Reznikov."

Red smiled, exhaling a shaky, relieved breath. It was a change for her to feel so reliant on something, so desperate. But this was so much bigger than her. "See you on Monday, Mrs Nichols."

* * *

The morning passed in a blur of recipes and flour, and then it was finally time for Red to visit Nicky. The drive always felt ten times longer than it was supposed to be, and Red gripped the steering wheel just that bit tighter as she thought of telling Nicky the good news. The warm summer air hit her as she stepped out of her car and headed to the reception and waiting room. It was always a bit suffocating stepping back into that room, but for Nicky she'd do it. For Nicky, she'd do anything.

"Reznikov," CO Bell said almost pleasantly as she let her through the metal detector. "Didn't expect to see you here again."

"I have to see my girls." Red said with a nod to O'Neill. "You'll know what it's like one day," she sighed. "Don't underestimate it."

"Sort her out. She's been a mess." Bell said with a nod of respect. "And for God's sake, Reznikov, stay out of trouble - for them."

Red nodded thoughtfully. _She's one of the good ones,_ Red thought, thankful that she was still here to look after the girls. It only took one bad person to break a prisoner, and one bad prison guard could lead to tragedy. Red shook her head, a shiver shooting down her spine. She'd already witnessed that. With her head held high, she strode into the room where Nicky looked up expectantly. She nibbled on her thumbnail, and beamed when she saw Red. Nicky quickly stood, and held her arms out like a child. Red held her close, breathing in her scent. Nicky's mane tickled her neck but she continued anyway, at least until they were told to break it up by Ford.

Whilst she was pleased that Nicky wanted to see her, it also broke her heart. Who had let her down so many times that she had grown to expect it from everyone? As Red made her way to the table, it wasn't hard to figure out, and she wondered if Marka realized just how much she'd managed to fuck up.

"Red," Nicky smiled as they both sat down. She frowned in concern as she saw the worried look on her face, and instantly grasped her hands. The contact felt so natural it almost hurt to do it. She knew she would miss her touch immensely when she eventually left today. Red thought much the same, and let herself just stare at Nicky for a moment. It was a relief that she still remembered every freckle on her cheeks and the sparkle in her eye. "Ma, you okay?"

Red snapped back to reality, and nodded quickly. "I'm fine," Red reassured her, a hand caressing Nicky's shoulder. "I have a job interview on Monday," she said excitedly. She wasn't going to tell Nicky who she was going to be working for; there was no way she was letting her feel hopeful for that to be dashed as soon as it had begun. "A cook, just what I wanted to do."

"That's exciting." Nicky said, trying to make her voice less flat than she knew it sounded. She swallowed hard and exhaled, her hand coming to rest on her collarbone. Red watched, a concerned look appearing on her features. Nicky waved her hand and rubbed her mouth with the back of her hand, composing herself. "Just heartburn. It makes me feel..."

"Sick?" Red's face softened. She remembered her own pregnancies, and what a toll they took on her body - even with a husband insisting she got some rest. What did Nicky have here? Not much, Red thought sadly, her fingers tangling in Nicky's hair.

"I told you. Getting sick is for pussies. I don't believe in it."

"You're being careful, hmm? No getting yourself electrocuted. No..." she lowered her voice to a harsh whisper. "No _drugs."_

Nicky shook her head, closing her eyes for the briefest of moments. "No drugs," she said truthfully. The touch of another human that wasn't just a cheap thrill for the night felt nice. Not that she was getting many cheap thrills at the moment either.

"It's two centimeters now." Red said after a beat.

"What?" Nicky asked, shaking her head. She wasn't listening properly, and there was a fuzzy feeling in her head that she couldn't get rid of. It was a fog of missing Red, wanting to be alone, knowing that she was having to face a year of this, and everything else in between.

"Two centimeters and with a beating heart." Red continued, recalling the list she'd read online. It was a strange feeling; she wanted to be excited, and no matter how hard she tried to push it down, she still smiled when she thought of the new little life, though she tried to think of what Nicky would eventually decide. She still had weeks left to make that decision.

Nicky's eyes snapped up and reached Red's. They were sunken and underlined with darkness. _She should be glowing,_ Red thought. She didn't know if Nicky was angry at her. Or upset. Or just sick of life. Her jaw worked as she scrabbled for the right words. Her nostrils flared and Red braced herself for the shouting. For the cursing, for the _"shut the fuck up",_ for anything that would have shown a sign of life. But she said nothing.

"Nicky?"

Nicky's head snapped up again. "Red?" Her voice was small and she cleared her throat. "Do you love me?"

Red's eyes crinkled at the corners, her mouth pressed into a hard line. She didn't understand why she was asking this. Why she doubted it at all. The fact that she didn't seem to know this unequivocally unnerved Red. Didn't she know? Red's eyes flickered to Nicky's flat stomach. Would she ever know? "What?" Red finally settled on, her own head feeling as if it was stuffed with cotton wool. It was hard to focus now she had grown used to silence. Grown used to being alone.

"Do. You. Love. Me?" Nicky repeated. She pushed her hair back with her hand and exhaled heavily. She then titled her head, and tried not to let the hurt show on her face.

"Of course." Red said finally. "You're my child. My daughter," she frowned.

"Why?" Nicky replied, suddenly brighter. Her hand clutched to her stomach and she felt as if a tiny weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Red laughed softly. "It's not a conscious choice, Nicky. It just happens. I know it sounds like bullshit, but sometimes it's when you look down and see that tiny bundle of hope on your chest, and sometimes it's when fate brings two people together and it's just meant to be. You don't wake up one day and decide to love someone. Sometimes you have to work at it, yes, but you can't force it."

The gravity of her own words hit Red, and she realizes that Nicky must know that already. _You can't force love._ Nicky must lived with that very sentiment for most of her life, and it broke Red's heart to think of Nicky in each stage of life, forever wondering why her mom wasn't like everyone else's. "You know how to love, Nicky." Red said after a few moments of silence. "You radiate love, _malyshka,_ even if you don't see it."

" _Bullshit."_ Nicky countered quickly, her tone sharp but eyes glistening with tears. "Sex and drugs don't count."

Red sighed. "I don't mean sex and drugs!" She resisted the urge to slap Nicky on the back of the head and took a deep breath. It quickly subsided when Nicky put her head in her hands, her shoulders heaving. "Oh, honey. Don't worry," she said comfortingly, rubbing Nicky's neck gently. "Everything will be okay, I promise."

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" Nicky sobbed. Red half-smiled. She wished she could be there to comfort her, to let her know she wasn't alone, to rub her back when it got too much. But she knew the feeling of not being in control of your own body, of your own emotions.

"Hormones!" Red chuckled. Nicky looked up at her, staring through lashes heavy with tears, and gave a watery smile. "Everything will be okay," she soothed again. "I'm making a home for us both. It'll be ready for when you get out. I'm getting this job if it kills me."

Nicky was the one smiling this time, finally placated enough to enjoy the rest of the time they had together. It was already almost over and she wanted it to end on a more positive note. "There will be other jobs. There always is."

Red nodded, but gave Nicky a knowing smile. "Not like this one."

* * *

Monday morning rolled around quickly and Red rushed to get ready. She had already picked out her clothes, painstakingly wondering what on earth she could wear and finally settling on a conservative dress with black pumps. It would be practical and would also, she hoped, show that she was professional for the role. Her bakery had given her ample experience; she only had to prove herself to the PA and Marka, no-one else.

She sat down at the kitchen table and wrapped her hands around a coffee mug. Whilst it was nice to be so close to family, the job meant more than simply getting closer to Marka. It would allow Red freedom, and the ability to gather enough money to rent a place of her own. With Nicky. _For_ Nicky. She only hoped that she could do it. After she had drained the cup, she put it in the sink and called a goodbye to her son.

The outside air was crisp. Fall had swept away the stickiness that summer had left, and it made Red feel refreshed. A slow walk towards their meeting spot would be relaxing, and hopefully would make her seem less anxious than she was. As the door swung closed behind her, she felt her phone buzzing in her pocket. An unfamiliar number showed on the screen and she held it to her ear as she answered. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this Mrs Reznikov?" The rushed voice on the other end of the line sounded desperate.

"Yes," Red confirmed, her heart speeding up in anticipation. Was it Nicky? Was something wrong? Her boys? Had they had an accident? "Who is this? Why are you calling?"

"Sorry, I'm Becca, Mrs Nichols' PA. We were supposed to meet at eleven today. There's been a slight change of plans."

"Oh?" Red said, hoping that the position hadn't already been filled or was no longer needed. She crossed the fingers on her right hand. "Is that so?"

"Would it be possible for you to meet me at this address?" Becca says, quickly reeling off an address not too far from the original meeting place, "I seem to have made a mistake with the schedule. The dinner party is tonight, not tomorrow."

Red raised her eyebrows, but sighed in relief. If prison had taught her anything, it was work with what you've got. "That will be fine." There was an audible sigh of relief from Becca, too.

"Thank God," she muttered. "Can you tell me the ingredients you'll need? I'll get them before you arrive."

Red nodded, and reeled off a list of ingredients. "I'll be around ten minutes. See you then." Red said.

"I'll see you in ten, Ms Reznikov. And I'll be sure to put a good word in!" Becca said hurriedly.

Red shook her head as she ended the call. Rich people didn't live in the real world sometimes. The walk was short and pleasant, and as soon as she approached the building a doorman asked her for her name. After quietly introducing herself, he let her in and told her what floor she should go to, and how to get there. As soon as she knocked on the door, Becca answered quickly and ushered her through to a reasonably sized reception room.

Red looked around the room. She imagined a teenage Nicky ignoring her mother from this room. She imagined Paloma helping her with her homework. She swallowed the lump in her throat and accepted the tea that Becca offered her.

"So, Mrs Reznikov. Tell me your plans for this evening's menu. Mrs Nichols' hasn't said much; only that she wants to close a deal and that it must be of the highest standard. No food allergies that I'm aware of."

Red nodded. "I was thinking that I'd do roasted stuffed peppers for the appetizers, something light that helps conversation, followed by shoulder of lamb and dauphinoise potatoes. Finally, the dessert would be a simple New York cheesecake."

Becca smiled amicably. "Sure." Red waited for a moment, for any sign of approval or a nod of recognition. "Oh, sorry," Becca laughed self-consciously. "The kitchen's the first door on the right."

Red nodded, slightly bemused. "I'll have it finished by six."

* * *

"And finally..." Red said, bringing out a cheesecake on a serving plate. "The dessert. New York cheesecake. Enjoy," she said, breathing a sigh of relief. The night, at least for her, was finally over. Marka gave her a small smile, her eyes crinkling. It was almost easy to forget how much of a bitch she could be. Almost.

Red retreated to the kitchen and sat down at the table, rubbing her temples. Ten o'clock had come and gone, and she was beginning to feel her eyelids drooping. After what felt like an eternity, the noise from the guests began to die down and she could hear the scraping of chairs on the wooden floors. It felt like a weight lifted. Marka sauntered into the kitchen, kicking her heels off and grinning.

"Did you manage to seal the deal?" Red asked politely, wishing that Marka would just put her out of her misery and tell her whether she got the job or not.

Marka smirks. "Yes! Those businessmen didn't know what hit them." She takes her earrings off and looks at the spotless kitchen. "Very nice. Of course there are the dessert dishes out there that need to be cleaned. But don't worry about them." Red smiled gratefully. "You can do them in the morning."

The smile faded from Red's lips. _Generous._ And then it sunk in. "You want me back tomorrow?" Red said, trying to conceal her excitement.

"Of course. Would nine o'clock work? No dinner party. Just a normal day's work."

Red nodded quickly. "That's fine."

Marka smiled. "Goodnight, Mrs Reznikov."

"Goodnight, Mrs Nichols," Red said, finally heading for the door. She was grateful that she was going to be in bed soon, and she was grateful that she'd finally be able to tell Nicky some good news. She couldn't wait to see her. Red looked up into the sky. "Goodnight, Nicky, _"_ she whispered. "I'm gonna make everything okay, _malyshka._ Just you wait and see..."


	4. Month Three

Month three

Nicky yawned at breakfast, fingers raking through her messy hair. It was too early for this shit, she thought, bleary eyes staring around the room. Inmates chatting surrounded her, including her own prison family, but she couldn't be bothered to focus on any of the words; every word and sentence seemed blurred into a sludgy monotonous stream of consciousness.

Without saying a goodbye, Nicky threw out most of her food and headed for her cube again. She found herself getting so tired these days. Black circles underlined her eyes despite the lack of eyeliner. Before she could even take a step out of the cafeteria, she heard her own name being yelled.

"Hey, Nichols!" Mendoza raised her eyebrows as Nicky turned around to face her. Nicky rolled her eyes and nodded a greeting before starting to turn back again. "Hey! Respect your elders. Get your ass over here."

Nicky heaved a sigh and joined Gloria in the empty kitchen. She'd clearly sent her girls away so that she could talk to Nicky, but Nicky didn't know what she wanted to talk about, and to be truthful, didn't feel much like talking at all.

"You don't like my cooking?" Gloria asked Nicky as she sat down uncomfortably on some crates that were supposed to have been put away. That, if Red were here, would have been put away as soon as they got through the door. Nicky was barely paying attention.

"Listen," Gloria said, looking Nicky straight in the eye. "I know you're missing her, but you've gotta eat. It wasn't even spicy today." She sighed, and waited for an answer. Nicky swallowed, amazed by the fact that Gloria had noticed something was wrong, and by the fact that she wanted to help. "I promised Red I'd look out for you. So, what? Promised no drugs but turning fucking anorexic?" She shook her head angrily. "Ay, dios mio! This is bullshit, Nichols. You want me to tell your mama?"

Nicky winced. "Of course I fucking don't." She took a deep breath. "What do you want me to do, Mendoza?" She was too tired to argue and she needed someone to guide her.

Gloria, hands on hips, stared Nicky down. "Snap out of this self destruction, mija." She passed Nicky a plate. "Grilled cheese. Just like you always bugged Red for, right?" Gloria wasn't asking a question. For weeks, Nicky hadn't been able to think straight. A fog clouded her brain, and she had been numb to many emotions. But this simple act of kindness was enough to make her want to cry. She nodded at Gloria and picked up half, tears pricking at her eyes.

"Yeah." Nicky said hoarsely.

Gloria pretended she didn't notice for both of their sakes. For Nicky, she was sure she didn't need reminding of how much she had grown used to a mother. Of how much she needed one now she had been given one. And for herself, because the sight of her reminded her that her own boys were out there, lost without a mother. Even if she couldn't help her own kids, she could help someone else's. It made her feel better, and as Nicky nibbled at the edges of the sandwich, it was clear that she was feeling better, if only for the ten minutes it took to eat.

As Nicky finished the first half, despite the nausea that she would face afterwards, it felt good. She still felt empty, but she felt less faint, and like someone had her back. It was a nice feeling.

Gloria nodded, pleased with herself. "Good girl," she said quietly. She wrapped an arm around Nicky's shoulder. "It'll be okay. You know that, right?" Nicky tried to fight the lump in her throat but failed, and a sob escaped from her lips anyway. Gloria chuckled softly and brought her closer. "I know the feeling. But it will be. Just months left, right? And then a whole new beginning."

It was Nicky who laughed that time, nodding in agreement. She didn't know the accuracy of her statement. "You could say that again."

Visiting hour always seemed to roll around incredibly slowly, and Nicky wondered why sixty minutes in one situation could feel like a lifetime, yet in another, could feel like the blink of an eye. She checked the clock again. Five minutes left until inmates would be called to sit at those little tables. Five minutes until she could finally feel physical contact again, something she had been missing hugely. Five minutes until those blue eyes could calm her down, tell her that everything would be okay.

As soon as she heard the signal, she was almost running to the visitors' room. It was pathetic, and she knew it, but these hour sessions were her lifeline. She flashed Luschek a grin as she didn't wait to be given the okay. She knew he didn't care and he said nothing as she took a seat near the back of the room.

It seemed to take another eternity for the visitors to start pouring in. A flash of crimson hair was all it took for Nicky to jump up. It didn't matter that people stared from the window. All she wanted was to wrap her arms around Red, regardless of shots and stares.

"I have good news." Red whispered to Nicky as she buried her face into her neck. Her strong arms felt nice around Nicky's back. They felt supportive, and God knew she needed all the support she could get. "Come, sit."

"Good news?" Nicky asked, pushing her from her eyes. She thought back to their last meeting, and remembered Red's news about her interview. "You got the job!" Nicky said, trying her best to sound pleased, "I know you really wanted it."

"It pays well. I want to be out of Yuri's house, especially by the time you get released." Red smiled, the unspoken words hanging in the air between them. I'm setting up our lives. "Everything is going well, though it's fucking weird." Red laughed easily, something she struggled to do now. "Sleeping in the dark. The quiet. Not having to cook for so many people!" Red nodded nostalgically. "It's...it takes some getting used to," she admitted with a sigh. "But what about you, malyshka? How are you?"

"My back hurts." Nicky frowned. "Now I get why you were pissed all of the time when cooking. Standing around fucking sucks for back pain." Nicky sighed as she remembered trying to find somewhere, anywhere, to sit whilst trying to fix a TV in electrical.

"Get Norma to rub it. Or ask Yoga Jones about stretches that help," Red suggested. Nicky scoffed instantly.

"Asking for advice from a hippie or the silent squirrel? They're great people, yadda yadda, but I can't say I want any of them touching my back or telling me that my chakras are off balance or some other hippie bullshit."

Red sighed but ignored her comment. She had been working up the nerve to tell Nicky her employer, and wondering how she would take the news. "I have something else to tell you."

"Yeah?" Nicky said, eyes flickering up to meet Red's.

"The job I applied for. It was for Marka."

"Marka?" Nicky repeated. The name felt weird. It didn't roll off of the tongue, but instead seemed to stick in her throat. "Why the fuck would you do that?"

"She doesn't know who I am. Nicky, are you being deliberately dense? I did this for you! For, you know," Red said, her voice lowered.

"I don't care." Nicky said childishly. The sound of her chair scraping against the floor made a scene and she stood up forcefully. "I'm done with this shit." As she stood up, she felt a strange feeling on her legs. Like when Morello had spilled a drink on her bed and forgot to tell her. With a frown, she wiped the back of herself with a hand and looked at her fingers. Her hand was coated in scarlet, shaking as she simply stared. Panic immediately rose in her throat and she felt sick with fear. "Ma, what the fuck?" Nicky asked anxiously, touching the back of her pants. Her voice grew hysterical. "What's happening? Why am I bleeding? Ma?"

Red instantly stood, fingers scrabbling for Nicky's hands. She stared at the back of Nicky's pants for what seemed like years. Crimson liquid seeped dangerously, the patch growing larger. Their eyes met; blue meeting brown in a mesh of emotions. Her voice sounded like a child as she piped up quietly, "Mom?"

The commotion finally forced Luschek to look up from his magazine. His eyes widened in horror and he was immediately by their side. "What the fuck, Nichols? What have you done?" His voice, usually held back by a lazily slow cadence, dripped with alarm. He held his radio to his mouth. "I'm gonna need backup here. And medical. Quickly."

He pulled a chair towards her and gently pushed her down. His eyes locked with Red over her head and they asked a million questions without saying a word. Red's hands, preoccupied with rubbing Nicky's back, came up to rub her own temples. Her mind whirled but all she could focus on was Nicky's hyperventilating. "Shh, malyshka. Everything will be fine." Red lied. She had no idea what was going on, but the blood...she shook her head. It wasn't something she wanted to focus on. "Where is the damn doctor?" Red demanded. Luschek, who looked just as panicked as her, shrugged his shoulders whilst pressing his radio again. If there was one comforting aspect of this whole experience, Red thought miserably, it was the fact that Luschek looked truly horrified. She knew that he was a lazy ass and pretty bad at his job, but he and Nicky had a weird, fucked up kind of relationship. If nothing else, there was concern for one another. And it showed on his face as he glared at the doctor, who had finally arrived.

"Name?" The doctor asked as he helped Nicky into the wheelchair, the stain on her pants becoming more and more obvious. Nicky winced in response but couldn't bring herself to answer.

"Nichols." Red said instantly, her fingers never losing touch with Nicky's. "Nicky Nichols."

"Okay." He turned his attention to Luschek. "Tell Mr Caputo what's happened. She may to stay in the infirmary. Nicky, I take it this isn't your normal monthly cycle?"

Red glared at him, horrified by his ignorance. "Does she look fucking twelve? I think she'd know if it was."

Nicky shook her head miserably, letting her hair fall into place. "Red," she said desperately, gritting her teeth in pain. "Don't leave me. Please, Ma - stay with me." Nicky begged.

Red swallowed hard. She would give anything to be allowed that, but a shake of the doctor's head was all that needed to be said on that one - it was never going to happen. "Listen, malyshka - you'll be fine. The doctors will take care of you. I'm here now, aren't I?" Red bit back the lump in her throat and pulled Nicky's head close to her chest as she sobbed. "Whatever happens, I'l be waiting for you. I'll come and visit you as soon as I can, honey," she said, squeezing her face and kissing her forehead. "Don't be scared, Nicky."

Nicky looked back at Red as the doctor wheeled her away. As soon as Nicky turned the corner, Red put her head in her hands. Don't be scared, Nicky. She sighed, her hands trembling and heart thudding fast. Would she be okay? Would the baby be okay? What if they weren't? Don't be scared, Nicky.

If only she could take her own fucking advice.


	5. Month Three II

Nicky held her breath, the gel on her stomach startlingly real. A part of her felt like this was still a nightmare, something she would wake up from in a cold sweat, finding out that everything was okay.

"One moment." The doctor said, his voice mostly monotone but colored with undercurrents of the tiniest hint of intrigue as he prepared the ultrasound probe.

Nicky remained silent, the only noise being the hitch of her already uneven breathing and the hum of the machines in the room. It was silence, but the worst kind - a trepidation filled limbo where she held onto anything that could proffer a smidgen of hope. Nothing like the silence she had imagined enjoying blissfully when she left the hell hole named Litchfield. And then a tiny thudding heartbeat filled the room. A flood of emotions rushed through Nicky. Relief, though she wasn't sure she should be. Terror - because, well...now what?

She swallowed hard. It was hard to concentrate on the doctor's sighs and horror stricken face as she concentrated on the tiny thuds of its heartbeat. Of her baby's heartbeat. Nicky blinked back tears. The only thing that could make her feel better was Red's presence, and she knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Thank God." Nicky murmured, surprising even herself with the genuine rush of solace she found in the tiny beating of the tiny heart. If she hadn't known before, at least deep down, she knew now. She cared about the tiny life growing inside of her, and as much as she felt sick at the thought of being a mother she knew that she would do anything to protect it, even despite not knowing them yet. Despite not even wanting to think about the stupid decisions she'd made. Now that it existed, she would do anything in her power to keep it safe.

"You're around twelve weeks pregnant." The doctor said, an eyebrow raised. "You a Christian, Nichols?"

Nicky looked up and scoffed. "No. Why, you see me in the chapel lately?"

The doctor gave a small snort of laughter. "Nope. But you've been here a lot longer than twelve weeks, inmate. Wondered if you were going to claim an immaculate conception."

Nicky laughed this time, despite the shitty circumstances. It was like a weight had been lifted from her, and although she knew a shit storm was about to go down with management, she was safe on this bed. "You think Caputo would buy that?"

"If it got him out of a law suit." The doctor took his gloves off, and wrote something indistinguishable on Nicky's chart. "But I don't think so."

"You're right." Nicky sighed. "Besides, God's probably too busy building a rapture bus for the Appalachian meth heads to focus on the next savior of the Earth." She nibbled on her thumbnail, worry seeping its way in, and glanced up at the doctor's confused face. "Don't ask."

"Right." The doctor shot back. "The bleed was most likely caused by a minor infection. We can give you antibiotics to try and keep it under control, but everything looked fine with the scan, and the bleeding seems to have stopped."

"Okay," Nicky said numbly. The reality was finally hitting her, and she was responsible for something other than herself. It was a terrifying thought, but one she could take on.

"You can rest here until Mr Caputo finishes his meeting. He wants to speak with you," the doctor continued. He tapped his pen on the clipboard. "Good luck with that one, Nichols."

Nicky nodded again, swallowing hard. "I'm gonna need more than luck," she said miserably.

"Divine intervention, maybe?" The doctor said with a half smile. Despite being an inmate and having made a bad choice, he felt for her. It couldn't be easy.

Nicky laughed humorlessly. "Sounds about right."

"Twelve weeks pregnant, sir." The doctor reported, barely glancing at the notes on Nicky's chart. It was becoming an epidemic, it seemed, with inmate Diaz's child seemingly only entered the world a few months previously. Caputo groaned and waved a dismissive hand to the doctor.

"Thanks, but I can take it from here." He said tersely. The door closed behind the doctor and Caputo focused his attention on Nicky. "What the fuck, Nichols? Explain - now."

Nicky glared, a hard stare peeking out from fringed eyelashes. "I'm not talking about this." Her response came out as a defiant statement and Caputo leaned back on his chair, his eyebrows raised.

"I don't think you have a choice in the matter." Caputo said. He hesitated for a moment before narrowing his eyes. "Luschek?" He asked.

"For fuck's sake." Nicky rolled her eyes. "Why does everyone think Luschek? He's an asshole, and has breath like dead things."

Caputo nodded, conceding. "You noticed too?" He shuddered, and shook his head. "Then who, Nichols? I'm going to hazard a guess that you didn't just slip and fall. And I'm also going to guess you didn't choose the fucker based on looks, because I don't think any of them are your type."

"I slipped up." Nicky said quietly, running her fingers through her hair.

"Was it consensual?" Caputo tried to confirm. "Not that it can be, in here, but you know what I mean."

"I'm not talking about it!" Nicky repeated, shaking her head so emphatically that her curls bounced around her shoulders. "I'll talk..." she looked wildly around the room, and her eyes landed on the phone on the edge of his desk. "I'll talk if you let me call Red. For longer than two minutes," she added quickly.

"You don't have any negotiating power here, Nichols!" Caputo reminded her. "But if you talk, then I'll let you call Reznikov." His eyes fluttered to a plant on his desk. "I need to ask her a question about my cactus anyway. It just doesn't seem to be thriving..." he shook his head, realizing she had managed to make him go off on a tangent. "So go on. Spill."

Nicky bit her lip. "Am I going to get sent to max for this?" She asked suspiciously, elbows leaning on his desk. "Cause I can't go back there again, fuck that. And I can't have extra time. Please, I need to know."

Caputo held his hands up with a sigh. "I'm a reasonable man, right, Nichols? I don't want you to go down the hill anymore than you want to go. I'm trying my fucking best here, to make this a better prison. Help me out. I can't have rapist guards. And even if you say it wasn't rape, you cannot consent in here." He shook his head. "Not that I understand why you would." He gave her a pointed look.

Nicky nodded. "He came up to me. I swear," she added quickly, looking him straight in the eye. "Anderson. Said he had heard about me from max. I made some deals down there...favors, shall we say, uh, for a chemical pick me up."

"Fucking hell." Caputo exhaled forcefully. "You've gotta be kidding me. You go down the hill for drugs, and you can get them easier down there than up here?" He shook his head angrily. "The whole fucking system is corrupt. Anderson?" He scribbled the name down on a scrap of paper. "And what? You were bored? Couldn't find a desperate inmate?"

Nicky narrowed her eyes. "Are you being deliberately obtuse, or does it come naturally?" Nicky snapped. Then she closed her eyes for a moment and calmed herself down; she needed that promised phone call more than anything right now. "He offered me heroin."

Caputo ignored her insults. His jaw worked hard in an attempt to find the right words, but they escaped him every time he opened his mouth. He put down his pen and stared hard at Nicky. "Let me get this straight." He said through gritted teeth, for he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "A CO offered you heroin to sleep with him. CO Anderson." Nicky held her own and nodded. "Shit. I've been trying to get rid of that motherfucker for weeks. You get rid of one and ten more psychos take their places!"

The genuine concern in Caputo's voice made Nicky feel even worse than she already did after the morning's events. He shuffled papers on his desk and sighed. "I need to know, Nichols. Do you wish to continue the pregnancy, or terminate it?"

Nicky stared up at him. She hadn't expected to face this decision for weeks, and whilst she knew she wanted to protect her child at all costs, would protecting it include protecting it from herself? Nicky shook her head miserably, questions swirling in her mind. She couldn't be a fit mother, she thought, twisting the fabric of her shirt under the desk.

"I wanna make the phone call now." Nicky said quietly. "Please."

Caputo nodded. He wasn't inhuman and he wasn't going to make her suffer for a mistake, even if it was a monumental fuck up on everyone's part. He passed her the phone, and sat back in his desk. "I can't leave." He rubbed his eyes and took off his glasses. "You know the number?"

"Yeah." Nicky confirmed, punching it in. "Thank you, Mr Caputo."

Red had always prided herself on being able to take control of situations, of problems she faced in her life. People thought she had lost that ability, that privilege, when she was incarcerated. But they would be wrong. She'd seized that chef's hat and apron and she'd made a life for herself inside. She was respected and she was revered. She was even feared. It made her feel powerful.

Now, as she sat on a chair in Marka Nichols' apartment, she felt useless. She had no power in the outside world. She didn't even have a place to call her own, as much as she tried to remedy that. As she stewed, thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong, she was glad Marka wasn't at home. She couldn't imagine having to make small talk with the woman who was her daughter's biological mother, whilst worrying about everything that had happened to Nicky that morning. What a fucked up scenario.

She wished she could have stayed with her. Nicky's face had taken on the expression of a wild animal. A terrified, hunted animal. And all that blood...Red shook her head. She couldn't bear it any longer. And then her phone began to ring.

"Hello?" She picked up instantly, her hands scrabbling to the phone like it was a life line. Like it had been so many times before. "Who's calling?"

"Ma?" The tiny voice rang out, unsure of herself and timid. Totally unlike her daughter, her bright and vibrant, loud daughter. "It's Nicky." Like she needed to be told. "I'm in Caputo's office. He let me ring you. I just wanted to let you know..."

"Caputo? Put him on, Nicky, please," Red demanded. She needed to speak with him; she needed to make sure that Nicky wouldn't be punished for this. She only had a year left on her sentence. A year and they'd be together, and Nicky could make her life hers again. She wouldn't let it be whipped away because of drugs. Not again.

"Ma, listen," Nicky said wearily. "I heard it today."

"Heard it?" Red repeated, confused. "What did you hear?"

"I heard its heartbeat." Nicky said, a small smile finally appearing on her lips. "It was tiny and it thudded but it was there and I heard it."

"You did?" Red said incredulously. "You mean the baby's okay?"

"I think so." Nicky smiled. "The doctor said maybe an infection. I have antibiotics. But everything seems okay...Ma?"

"Yes, Nicky?"

"I have to make a decision now."

"Yes," Red sighed heavily. It had been weighing on her mind before this morning's scare. What Nicky would do once everyone found out. If she'd be okay. If she'd be hauled down to max and a longer sentence. If the baby would be okay, and if it was...then what? "You do."

"I think I need to do this." Nicky said. "I think, I think I want to do this. I saw its heart beating. I can't not. But what about me? I won't make a good mother. I can barely look after myself. Wouldn't it be protecting it if I just destroyed it before it began?" The thought made her feel sick and her fist clenched against her stomach. "I don't know if I can do either. If I can get rid of it. Or if I can look after it."

"I understand," Red said, remembering her own first pregnancy. It was in better circumstances to say the least, and she still had every one of Nicky's fears about being inadequate as a mother. "But I think you know what you want by now. I saw your face this morning. Don't do something regrettable out of fear."

"Do you think I can do it?" Nicky asked , desperately seeking approval. Validation that would only hold any weight coming from one person.

"What's the hardest thing you've ever had to do?" Red asked, already knowing the answer.

"Getting clean." Nicky said predictably. "Though I think I've failed at that recently. Why?"

"Because having this baby will be ten times harder than that. A hundred times, maybe. But I believe in you, Nicky. And you haven't failed in getting clean. You made a mistake and fucked up. You'll do that plenty in motherhood too. But...I think you can do it. And I think you'll give your child everything you should have had and more."

"If I do this, nothing will be the same again, will it?" Nicky asked.

Red laughed and shook her head despite being alone. "No, malyshka. But if you do this, you'll wonder how you ever lived without them."

"Do you feel that way about your boys?" Nicky asked softly.

"And my girl." Red said, a hint of sadness coloring her voice. "But neither of us will have to wonder that for long. Because we're all going to be together again soon. You just have to last a year more. Just a year."

"Just a year," Nicky echoed. "Just a year."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	6. Month Four

Month four

"It's an avocado now," Red said, squinting at her phone as she stood in Marka's kitchen. "My little avocado!"

Nicky rolled her eyes as she played with the phone cord. This month it was an avocado. Last month it was a lime. "Ma, will you stop comparing it to food? I know that's your thing, but I'm fucking starving."

"You're starving?" Red asked, her train of thought completely derailed from the pregnancy app she had made Vasily install. She pushed her glasses to rest on her head and leaned on the counter, all thoughts of Marka's lunch abandoned. "Why haven't you been eating?"

"I have," Nicky complained. She rolled her eyes and continued, "But it's like I've got a parasite or some shit. I'm always hungry." She sighed, rocked on her heels and groaned. "I'm getting so fat," she complained, pinching the skin on her stomach.

Red rolled her eyes but felt her heart breaking a little for Nicky. Pregnancy took up so much of your energy, and it was hard enough to do on the outside, let alone struggling through with no husband or mother whilst incarcerated. "You're not getting fat. I saw you last week, and you're still too skinny. Listen, malyshka. Buy some things from commissary and don't worry about getting fat. You do have a parasite, of sorts…" Red raised her eyebrows as she recalled the morning she had experienced whilst helping Vasily look for his car keys as he got later and later for work. "God knows they'll be leeching off of you for years to come."

"Thank you, Red, for the rosy life view." Nicky laughed dryly, leaning against the wall. She sighed. "So...an avocado is getting pretty big, right?" Nicky's eyes shined. As much as she tried to push it down, she felt something that resembled excitement...some sort of trepidation deep inside her. Something enormous was going to happen, and she could feel every effect of it as she stood in Litchfield penitentiary. It was also a scary thought. What would it be next month? And the month after that? It made her feel squeamish when she thought of how big it would grow to be - and, of course, how difficult it would be to push something the size of a watermelon out of her body.

"It is." Red said proudly. She glanced at her phone again, resting her glasses on her nose. "It has fingerprints already, and its heart is already beating twice as fast as yours."

Nicky let a small smile creep onto her features. Her own heart often felt like it was going to pound through her chest and it was almost a comfort knowing that it was nothing compared to how the baby's heart was racing in there. Not that she often thought of her tiny parasite as a baby. She thought of it fondly, despite the moniker, but it still brought her considerable anxiety to think about as a real yet tiny still forming human being. "Fingerprints?" Nicky echoed. Her hands rested conspicuously on her stomach, despite the fact that she still hadn't told anyone, and she laughed softly. "Fingerprints cause nothing but trouble..." she looked around.

"Only for people making their own trouble." Red laughed back. "Speaking of trouble...have you told anyone yet?"

Nicky hesitated. Red had made it clear that she thought that Nicky needed someone on her side on the inside, especially at a time like this, but Nicky felt unable to tell anyone, not even Lorna. She had tried numerous times, yet every time she opened her mouth to say it, the words remained stuck in her suddenly dry throat and she said something completely unrelated...something completely irrelevant. "No." Nicky admitted reluctantly.

"I think you should." Red said, and Nicky could see her raised eyebrow. "Tell Lorna. She won't tell anyone. And you need support, Nicky. I cannot stress that enough."

"I really don't want to," Nicky said in a whisper. Her voice was hoarse and she'd clearly spent a lot of time mulling the decision over. "I can't." Telling Lorna would make it feel more real, and it would also change their relationship. It had been the one steady thing since Red had left - Lorna needing her. She always could rely on the fact that Lorna would need her, that never seemed to change.

"I thought you might say that." Red said with a sigh as she drummed her fingers on the counter top.

Nicky paused suspiciously. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Red insisted innocently. "Just look after yourself, sweetheart. I'll come and see you soon, okay? I've got to go - Marka's coming and she'll want her lunch."

Nicky nodded miserably. "Of course she will."

Red exhaled heavily. "You'll be out before you know it," she said comfortingly, her voice barely above a whisper. "And then I'll make you anything you want. No matter how unreasonable...even if it's at three AM."

"I'll hold you to that." Nicky threatened, a laugh escaping from her lips. It felt unnatural to be laughing, but also like a huge weight was being lifted from her shoulders. A nice feeling, but an unfamiliar one.

"I expect nothing else."

"Ramos, deal with this!" Gloria yelled over the noise of preparing dinner in the kitchen and pulled her chef's hat from her head. Sometimes she felt like tearing her hair out after a day working in the kitchen; she didn't know how Red had handled it for all of those years. Slipping out of the steamy kitchen, Gloria quietly headed for the phones. She held a letter in her hands and scanned over it once more whilst punching in the number at the bottom of it.

After the rhetoric about accepting a call from an inmate in prison, a voice answered immediately, and it sounded expectant and bored at the same time. "I wondered when you were going to call."

"You did?" Gloria scoffed, holding the letter up. "I only got your letter this morning. I'm spending my phone call on you, so it better be good."

"Mendoza, when have I ever let you down?" Red laughed softly. It was a strange, almost comforting thing, bantering with Gloria once again. She was in familiar territory when she had been

Gloria raised an eyebrow. "So let me hear it. I'm guessing it's about your girl. I saw that shit go down at visiting. But I know better than to ask, not in here. She seems okay now. A bit out of it, but not drugs. They've really cracked down on that," Gloria revealed, pursing her lips and nodding in approval. "So spill, Red. What's up?"

"I need to have your word, Mendoza, before I tell you - do I have your word?" Red's words came out rushed and nothing like the usual, well thought out eloquence she usually spoke with. Gloria could tell this was serious, and she sobered immediately, standing straighter and glancing around to see if anyone was watching.

"Dios mio," she breathed, growing impatient. "You have my word, Reznikov. But you gotta hurry, it's the dinner shift and I left Ramos in charge."

"Didn't she almost lose a finger last time you left her in charge?" Red asked, voice dripping with contempt. Gloria rolled her eyes.

"Who needs ten fingers?" Gloria asked weakly. "Besides, it makes no difference to me," she sighed, "She's pretty bad at most things in the kitchens. All those bitches do is talk all day."

"What else is there to do?" Red shrugged. Then she sighed. "Actually, there are a lot of other things that your girls could be doing...you should be glad they're not. Anyway...back to my girl…"

"She fucking told you!" Nicky fumed as she paced around in the kitchen, empty apart from Gloria who stared at her from the box of crates she was sitting on. "She had no right!"

"She had no right?" Gloria raised her eyebrow. "She's worried about you. Moms tend to do that - I know, it's boring and annoying as hell but that's what they're there for. You know that, right? When you have yours-"

"Don't fucking say that!" Nicky snapped, her voice growing hysterical. She held her head in her hands for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Sorry, sorry. I know I sound like Lorna. For fuck's sake, I sound like the girl your people call Lorna La Loca."

"Not all of us." Gloria lied, coming to a stand. "You want a snack?"

Nicky rolled her eyes. "Red told you to feed me too, huh? What else? Keep me off of drugs? Tell me to behave?" Nicky didn't sound angry anymore, just withdrawn. She sat on a crate next to Gloria and pulled her knees to her chest. She looked up at Gloria.

"So is that a yes?" Gloria said simply, pulling down a bin of ingredients. Nicky nodded, temper no longer flaring, and bit her lip. "It's alright, you know," Gloria said comfortingly. "The first is always scary, no matter where you are. You always feel like you've made a massive fuck up, even if the little one was wanted."

"There are better places than prison to have a baby." Nicky retorted as she rolled her eyes. She rested her chin on her knees. "I don't know what to do, Gloria." She whispered into the dimly lit kitchen. "I need Red."

"She's not here." Gloria stated with a shrug as she pulled out a strawberry yogurt and slid it to Nicky. "You're gonna have to deal with this whether you like it or not, Nichols. You've got your girl Morello, you've got Red when you get out. You've got a hell of a lot more than half of these women, and they've already got three or more on the outside. At least yours won't know you're gone."

"I'll know." Nicky said quietly, thinking it through. She exhaled heavily. "Marka has to take it. I haven't even asked her yet." Nicky barked a humorless laugh. "I haven't even told her yet."

"You've got time." Gloria said, and they exchanged a glance about how ironic that statement really was. "She's your mother. She'll freak out for a bit and then she'll take it. Right?"

Nicky nibbled on her thumbnail and looked up at Gloria grimly. "I know my mom would take the baby." Nicky said, shooting Gloria a worried look. "I'm just not sure Marka will."

"Lorna?" Nicky whispered into the darkness. Her hands played with the raven hair that tickled her neck and it felt so nice to feel someone else's skin against hers. Prison could be a cold and lonely place and feeling the warmth of someone else could be a comfort when nothing else was. Wrapped up together in the dark dormitories felt like they were in their own little bubble and it made Nicky feel less alone.

"Yeah?" Lorna whispered in reply, her own mind occupied with weddings and husbands and what was for breakfast in the morning.

"I have something to tell you." Nicky said, the words barely forming. She felt sick, and she knew it wasn't the morning sickness that had mostly passed in the last month or so.

"You do?" Lorna whispered back. She snuggled into Nicky and sighed contentedly. "You're so warm. It's so cold in here."

Nicky snickered as Lorna ran her feet over her legs in an attempt to warm them. "Keep your toes away from me, they're like icicles." She sighed and looked up at Lorna seriously. "Do you promise to not freak out?"

Lorna frowned. "I don't freak out," she said defensively. "Do I?" She fretted. "I try to listen, because my mother always used to say that silence could be the loudest thing-"

"But she never shut the fuck up." Nicky finished with a smile, shaking her head. "I know."

"Oh, I've said that before?"

"Just a couple of times," Nicky admitted. It was always telling, the way girls spoke of their mothers. Would Nicky experience that as a mother one day? Would her child tell others horror stories from their upbringing? She hoped not, of course, but she could promise nothing. Another worry to add to the list, she thought, staring up at the dormitory ceiling as she tried to recoup her composure and find the right words.

"What were you going to tell me, sweetie?" Lorna steered the conversation back on track and stared Nicky in the eye. It wasn't often the blonde was serious, and she wanted to know what the matter was before she changed the subject with a joke or a witty comeback that would mean whatever it was would never be heard.

Nicky snaked her arm around to hold Lorna's hand. She placed it on her stomach and spread her fingers out so her palm rested against the gentle curve of her tiny bump. Lorna said nothing for a few moments. Nicky didn't even know if she could feel anything amiss, anything different from her usually flat stomach.

Lorna ran her hands over Nicky's hips and felt nothing strange. "What is it?"

Nicky closed her eyes. "A mistake that I'm trying to get my head around."

"A mistake?" Lorna echoed. Her hands ran over Nicky's abdomen and her eyes widened as she finally felt the tiny gentle curve. "Wait, you don't mean...?"

Nicky wrapped her hands around Lorna's and nodded. "Four months." She whispered. "Please don't tell anyone else."

Lorna stared at Nicky, her eyes shining with tears in the darkness. How had she not noticed? She scrabbled for the right words. Once again, she had failed Nicky. "What happened?" Lorna asked, her face a picture of confusion. Nicky shook her head. "Did something...did you want to?" Lorna asked tearfully.

Nicky took a deep breath. "Let me start from the beginning..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and for the kudos on the last chapters. :)


	7. Month Five

Month five

Nicky sat with Luschek, rolling an unlit cigarette between her fingers. She sighed wistfully as she stared at one of her tamer former vices, wishing she could light it up and feel the smoke filling her lungs.

Luschek watched her, a throaty tobacco filled laugh spilling from his lips. Despite the laugh, he regarded her with a smile as he spoke. "You're a fucking idiot."

"Takes one to know one," Nicky quipped. "Are you referring to the fact that I'm in prison, knocked up, or a drug addict?" The list rolled easily off of her tongue and it almost made her cringe. Almost. She was having too much fun doing absolutely nothing productive with Luschek to care about the long list of things wrong with her.

"Is all of the above an option?" Luschek raised an eyebrow, his eyes twinkling with bemusement at her lackadaisical tone and the way she just came out with what she had to say. He'd always admired that about her, even when it got her into trouble; hell, even when it got him into trouble and he was cursing her name, he still admired her brass neck.

"Eh, it probably should be," Nicky conceded, turning the cigarette in her fingers. She heaved a sigh and placed the cigarette down on the table. Her left hand ghosted her stomach, the rounding curve of her abdomen feeling more and more familiar each month. She was more than half way through her pregnancy now, and it felt strange that in less time that had passed with her baby inside her, she would be meeting her child. It was a strange, sobering thought.

"Hey!" Luschek's booming voice cut through the air. His annoyance was aimed at Janae, who rocked back on her chair as she handed out tools. "For fuck's sake, don't let the newts play with the wires. I don't need another disciplinary." Janae said nothing and instead relied on an obscene hand gesture once he had turned to convey her feelings. Nicky smiled faintly.

Luschek turned his attention back to Nicky, shaking his head. "You know how many people have asked me if it's mine?" Luschek asked with a sideways glance to Nicky.

Nicky wrinkled her nose and pushed her hair back. "Ew, really?"

Luschek frowned at her before cracking a smile. "I said the same thing to them, Nichols." He laughed easily and then shifted in his seat. He scratched the back of his neck and Nicky knew that an awkward question was on the horizon. She avoided his gaze and stared into the distance whilst he worked up the nerve.

"I didn't do it because I liked him, you know." Nicky said quietly, before he got the chance to say anything. Her voice was distant and she ran her fingers over her lips thoughtfully. She didn't like how weak she sounded. She didn't like that Luschek was in a position of power over her and she was basically giving him permission to laugh in her face. To mock her about this whole shitty situation. But she still looked up at him hopefully, wishing that he could understand and not knowing why she wanted him to. "I don't know if Caputo gave you the run down. He probably did," Nicky shrugged.

"He didn't." Luschek said with a tight, reluctant smile that gave away the fact that he was lying through his teeth. Nicky nodded softly, jutting her chin out defiantly. "So why'd you do it? And with Anderson, he's an ass - you know he doesn't actually take drugs, right?"

Nicky raises an eyebrow. "Is that why he's an ass? Because he doesn't take drugs?" She laughs, her eyes wide and curious to see what his idea of logic was. They shone with amusement for the first time in a long time. "Does that make me Mother Theresa? What about you? You'd be..." she stopped. "I don't know, whoever the male version of her is." She rolled her eyes. But she knew what he meant; he had purchased and was carrying the drugs for one reason - presumably, to sleep with her. Nicky didn't know whether she was just a random pick or if he had purchased the drugs with her in mind, but the thought made her shudder nonetheless.

Her hand, that hadn't moved from her stomach, curled into a fist. She would make sure he would have nothing to do with her baby. She bit back a laugh. She didn't even know if she wanted anything to do with her baby, but she knew that she had some primal instinct to protect it, no matter what. She wondered briefly if Marka had felt the same. If she had felt scared or alone whilst she grew inside of her. It was a thought she shook off.

She faced Luschek. Despite his fuck ups and general couldn't care less attitude, he was someone you could turn to in this place. He wouldn't rat you out and he wouldn't hold it against you. Sure, he had breath like dead things and perpetually high on something, but he wouldn't bribe you for drugs and he wouldn't screw you over...unless he felt he had no other choice. Nicky cocked an eyebrow as she thought of the time he'd turned her in. But in all fairness, he had redeemed himself, mostly, and she needed someone.

Someone who wasn't Morello, who was driving her crazy as well as being bat-shit crazy herself. Someone who wasn't Mendoza, who was being a spy for Red and not doing a great job hiding it.

Nicky looked up to the sky, which looked cloudy and overcast. She closed her eyes. Only seven months left till I get out, she breathed inside her head. Seven months isn't so bad.

Red reached over for Nicky's hands despite the CO glaring down at her. "You're quiet today. What's wrong, hmm?"

Nicky glanced up and met Red's eye. "Nothing's up," she snapped. She pressed her lips together and sighed. Red's gaze didn't turn into one of anger, she just looked blank. A canvas onto which Nicky could pour her emotions. She bit her lip and hesitated for a second before rubbing the heel of her hand on her forehead. "When you were having your boys, did you feel like you wanted to protect them? I know you can't, not really, because they're not even a person yet, but - she's safe in there, I know that...what about on the outside?"

Red let a smile color her features. She ignored Nicky's question in order to ask a question of her own. "Her?"

Nicky shook her head. "I don't know. I just had a feeling…" she shrugged, a worried expression clouding her own features.

Red's thumb stroked the back of Nicky's hand. "I know you're scared. And yes, of course I felt protective of my boys when I was expecting them. I still do - of all of you," she insisted. "I had that feeling with Vasily," she smiled. "I was wrong," she said bluntly. "But I think that was mostly wishful thinking. I have my girl now, though, don't I?"

Red stared at Nicky's beaming face. It never too much for Nicky to smile, for her to give that grin or laugh that had the power to light up a room. It was clear compliments and affection as a child were kept to a minimum for Nicky, and Red, when she could, felt the need to make up for that.

"Not really. I'm in prison and you're not." Nicky's bluntness mirrored Red's previously, and it was easy to see why they were drawn to each other as they held hands across the table.

Red rolled her eyes. "Little girl, big mouth." She brushed a stray hair from Nicky's eyes away and gave a little sigh.

"Do…" Nicky stopped herself from talking and cast her eyes down to their entwined hands. "Do you think Marka felt that way about me? Before I was born, I mean? I know she must have lost it somewhere along the way….but do you think she ever had it?" It was bewildering for Nicky now she had these feelings. Would they fade? Was this simply hormonal? She had never, ever felt a maternal urge in her life. She had never seen a baby and wished it was hers. Nor, as a little girl, did she imagine herself holding babies in her future.

Red's brow furrowed sadly. Truthfully, she didn't know, and doubted she ever would. She thought working with Marka would make her hate the woman more. She thought it would answer all of her questions about Nicky's upbringing. She thought she'd stick it out for Nicky, and for the baby, but that she would hate every moment. And that simply hadn't happened. Marka was an enigma; a series of unanswered questions. She hadn't really mentioned Nicky, but she hadn't mentioned much personal business of hers, either.

"I don't know, honey," she said softly, truthfully. She swallowed hard and sighed thoughtfully. "I think, in her own way, yes."

"In her own way?" Nicky's voice was small and fragile. She barked a laugh. A self preservation mechanism. Treat things as if they don't matter, and people will think, at least to you, they don't. "Does that mean no?"

"No. But does it matter?" Red grasped at the remote possibility that she could get Nicky to say "no" but that hope was quickly dashed when Nicky's face fell into a glare.

"Actually, yeah, it does." Nicky glowered. She rested her chin on her elbows and sighed. "I doubt you'd ask that question if your mother didn't love you, and had dedicated her life trying to tell you that in creative ways." Whilst she felt Nicky was being a little dramatic, Red felt for her, she really did...maybe that's why she felt the need to lie.

"If your mother didn't love you," Red said finally, the word mother sticking in her throat slightly. "Then why would she display a photo of you, hmm? Tell me that." Red said triumphantly. She gave a weak smile that she hoped was convincing, and thought of the frames she had bought and put away specifically for a photo of Nicky to go along with the portraits of her boys once she got her own place. She sighed wistfully. If only that day could come sooner, she thought.

The frown instantly fell from Nicky's face, being replaced with a look of wonder. Despite everything Nicky had ever said about Marka, it was clear to Red that her word and opinion still had an effect on Nicky. It hurt, yes, but she needed to reassure her more than she needed her ego boosted. He eyes shone in amazement. "Really?" Nicky gripped Red's hands. "Red, you're my mom. For everything. I need to know...you'll look after her, right? When she's here, I mean. When I can't look after her anymore." Her hand slipped from Red's and fell to her stomach, where she gently cradled the small bump. She felt fiercely protective and it hurt that she had to relinquish her at the end of nine months, even if she wasn't totally sure of her feelings towards the thing.

Red's face softened. "Of course I will. There's nothing I wouldn't do for the both of you, you know that."

"Yeah..." Nicky trailed off. "But will you make a home for her? I know I'll be home before she knows it. But I'll know. Will you tuck her in? I never had that." Nicky frowned and pushed her hair back. "It sounds moronic. But kids need things like that, you know?" Her brow furrowed. "They need a mom."

"And she'll have one." Red squeezed Nicky's hand. "One of the best!"

Nicky smiled. "You think so?"

"Of course, honey," she said, with a twinkle in her eye. "After all, you learned from one of the best, right?"

Nicky laughed and it was the first genuine smile Red had seen for the whole visit. "I sure did."


	8. Month Six

"He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood."

Month six

Nicky turned over uncomfortably in bed. Her beige uniform stretched at the seams, the material stretched over her ever expanding belly. As she stretched, her breath caught in her throat. With every day that passed, Nicky was finding it harder to breathe. The baby pressed on her lungs and she shifted her position once again.

Six months had come faster than she had expected it to, and she sat on the edge of her bed. Everything was beginning to feel so real. Definite kicks kept her awake at night, and the prenatal vitamin she was made to take every morning was a little reminder that she had more than herself to look out for anymore.

Every time someone asked her about names or what gender the baby was, she felt like an actual adult. But then she remembered she had to make actual plans for this baby when he or she made an appearance into the world in less than three months, and her adult facade withered away until she felt like that scared little girl again, desperately wishing for Red.

With a heavy sigh, Nicky heaved herself up. The phones would be empty at this time of morning, and although she didn't want to make the call, it was best she just got it over and done with. She shuffled over to the phones, feeling the weight of her bump weighing her down, and stopped at the first one. Before she could stop herself, she punched in the number that she had been trying to forget in all the years she had been in here.

Many miles away in a luxury apartment, Red hovered under the door as Marka fumed on the phone. "This is the second time you have called me in all the years you have been in there. And it's to tell me this?" Marka laughed bitterly, throwing her hands up in the air. "You've put me through hell, Nicky, and now you leave me with this?"

There was a silence on the other end as Nicky waited for Marka to finish her rant. "And all of those awkward conversations with the ladies at all of those dinner parties I held, wondering why you didn't have a boyfriend, or a date to the prom? Now you decide you're not…" Marka exhaled forcefully and lowered her voice, "Now you decide you're not a lesbian!"

Red listened in, her heart growing more and more heavy. Over the past few months she had realized that the woman, contrary to what she had believed before, was not a monster. She just simply wasn't fit to be a mother and every opportunity she got to prove herself she failed at, time and time again.

"I don't understand you!" Marka cried, exasperated. Red sighed; Marka had hit the nail on the head with that. The problem was rooted in their communication, or lack thereof, and Marka had set that precedent when Nicky was just a little girl. It was too late to change that now. Marka rubbed her head and sat down at the table. Her eyes softened and she nodded along with what Nicky was saying. "Darling, of course I will take your baby."

The tone and the resigned acceptance of Marka's words shocked Red, and she craned her head to the door to listen carefully. Months of working with Marka had created a working relationship. Whilst her loyalties lied with Nicky, it had been impossible for Red to work with Marka and not at least try to understand where her own personality and quirks had come from. The woman wasn't cold, yet she didn't open up easily; she was definitely not forthcoming with information and it was only last month that Red had 'learned' of Nicky's existence. Yet she wasn't cruel and it had become clear that the distance that she had placed between herself and a young Nicky had been her way of trying to do what was right. Red sighed as she listened - it was a desperately sad situation, yet she had some semblance of hope that the baby would bring a shining light of hope into everyone's lives, despite the dire circumstances.

"I need to sort some things out, okay? I will fix everything. Let me make some phone calls later today and you can call again tomorrow." Marka paused to let Nicky respond. Red doesn't like the scoff that comes out of her mouth after just a moment. "Why does it matter that you only get one call a day? Who else are you going to call?" The older woman sighed. "Maybe...maybe I should visit you." Marka bit her lip. "Okay," she sighed. "Just let me make those calls. Yes, okay. Goodbye, Nicky."

Red quickly stood by dishwasher and quietly stacked the dishes whilst Marka composed herself enough to enter the kitchen with a tight lipped smile. "Galina." Marka said pleasantly. The smile on her face was genuine as far as Red could tell, and it pained Red to think that Nicky had probably never thought the same. Underneath the smile, though, Red could tell that Marka was struggling with what Nicky had just told her. Who wouldn't? "How's lunch coming along?"

"Fine," Red said, closing the dishwasher. She rests her glasses on top of her head and gestures to the food prep on the sideboards. "Caesar salad for today, how's that?"

"Hmm?" Marka replied absently. She tucked a stray hair behind her ear and the Cartier bracelet that hung loosely on her wrist jangled. "Oh, yes. That's fine. Galina, will you bring it through to my office? I'll have to have a working lunch this afternoon...bring some wine too. I don't care which."

Red nodded amicably, not commenting on the conversation. If Marka had wanted to share what had been said, then she would have. "Of course, Mrs Nichols. I'll bring it through now."

"Thank you," Marka muttered. "Oh, and Galina, bring me my planner, please." She forced a smile and looked so much like Nicky that Red had trouble not reaching out to touch her face. She sighed deeply and pushed her reading glasses to the top of her head. "I have a few phone calls to make."

"Okay." Red said quietly. Her mind whirred with possibilities. It took all of her self restraint to not ask who she was planning on calling. "Call me if you need anything else."

Marka flashed a grateful smile. "Thank you," she said, sounding more genuine this time. "Life can be so stressful sometimes." Marka admitted reluctantly. "Do you have children, Galina?"

"I do," Red said, sitting down and brushing her apron off. Marka closed the lid of her laptop and leaned on her desk. "Three boys and a girl."

"Four children," Marka said with surprise. She gave a snort of laughter. "I couldn't even cope with one. How did you manage?"

Red gave a small laugh this time. The woman truly lived in a different world to everyone else, safe in her ivory tower of wealth - until Nicky took her matches and burned it all down. "Not coping wasn't an option." With three growing boys and rent to pay, Red and Dmitri had to find any way to pay the bills and feed their kids. Not coping or wanting a break rarely crossed their minds, let alone happened. And when she met Nicky, not taking the broken girl in her arms and loving her to life wasn't an option either. She wouldn't be just another statistic lost to unjust prison system.

Marka nodded minutely. "I'm just going to make those calls now."

Nicky picked at her dinner, stretching out her ankles under the table. Gloria had offered her a job in the kitchen, just to keep an eye on her, Nicky suspected, but her ankles were badly swollen even without standing up all day in a hot kitchen. Even so, Mendoza kept a close eye on her when she could. Across the table, Morello watched her with a small smile on her face, drawing figures of eight in her own food with her fork.

"What?" Nicky grumbled. Her back ached as she sat on the small bench and the smell of all the food mingling together made her feel queasy, although her morning sickness had long gone.

"You look so cute." Lorna said with a laugh. "You have the most adorable little bump. Is she kicking today?"

Nicky's hard exterior softened slightly and she slouched. "Yeah," she nodded with a smile. "Wanna feel?"

"Sure, sweetie!" Lorna grinned, scooting closer. She placed a cold hand on Nicky's stomach and squealed in delight when she was greeted with a swift kick. "She's strong! How big is she now?"

Seeing Nicky's cute bump made Lorna's own heart ache. She so badly wanted the whole perfect family life - a good husband, a nice house, and babies - and despite Nicky's less than perfect situation, jealousy still welled within her. Soon, Nicky would have a tiny baby to snuggle. Except she wouldn't, Lorna had to remind herself. The baby would be gone as soon as she met her mama. It made her heart ache even more to think about the heartbreak that was awaiting Nicky when she finally had her child.

"I don't know. I think Red said babies are like a butternut squash this far along." She rolled her eyes but smiled. "She has an app."

Lorna laughed. "And you don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet?"

"No," said Nicky, "I just have the strongest feeling that she's a girl. We'll see I guess….in three months." She gulped.

"Are you worried about the birth?" Lorna asked, unabashed. She lowered her voice. "My mother said nothing was the same...you know, down there, after a baby."

Nicky raised an eyebrow. "Are you offering to check afterwards?"

Lorna blushed scarlet. "Nicky, that's not polite. Besides, you know, I have Vinny to think about…" she trailed off, leaving the uncomfortable atmosphere hanging.

Nicky nodded with a sigh. There was no use arguing with the girl - she was immovable once she had an idea in her head.

Piper cut through the awkwardness. "So, what are you thinking name wise?"

"I don't know," Nicky said. She shrugged and pushed her food around her plate. "I want it to be better than my own." She barked a laugh. "I only have girl names. I was thinking Willow…or maybe Parker."

"Those are cute," Lorna said, her hand entwining with Nicky's. Piper nodded approvingly.

"Nice names. But what if it's a boy?"

"I have no idea." She shook her head. "Besides, a million things could go wrong before now. I don't want to jinx it."

Sister Ingalls frowned, and reached across the table to pat Nicky's hand. "Nicky, I don't think it's healthy to think like that. You're usually out of most danger by six months. I've been praying for you, and for your child."

Nicky gave a half smile. "Thanks, Sister. Isn't it supposed to be damned, though, seeing as I'm not married?"

"Uh, no. It doesn't necessarily work that way, Nicky. Besides," she said, her face taking on a cheeky smile, "I didn't always play by the rules myself. I'm sure you will be a wonderful mother."

"Not for the first part of her life. I'll be here, fat and with no baby." She cringed at the word; she wasn't even sure what she would do with a baby.

"Well, babies don't remember," Lorna said supportively, echoing Red's words. "Red will take care of her real good."

"They won't give her to Red," Nicky sighed. "She's a felon. She's going to Marka." She nibbled on her thumbnail nervously. "She said she'd take her."

"Oh," Lorna said. She sounded deflated, but tried to look upbeat. "Well, she'll have everything she could ever want."

"Except a mother." Nicky said flatly.

"Aw, sweetie," Lorna said, rubbing Nicky's back comfortingly. "I'm sure baby….baby Nichols?"

Nicky nodded, her face marred with confusion. "Who else's name would they have?"

Boo snickered. "Luschek, perhaps."

"It's not his!" Nicky glared. "Besides, I wouldn't saddle a baby with his name even if it was him."

"Well," Lorna continued, squeezing Nicky's hand, "I'm sure baby Nichols is gonna have a great life with you as her mom, whatever the circumstances of where she's born."

A faint smile crossed Nicky's lips. "Thanks, doll."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and for the kudos on the last chapter. It is always appreciated. :)


	9. Month Seven

_Month seven_

Nicky nervously waited outside of the prison medical room, hopping from foot to foot. She couldn't keep still - she never could when she felt any sort of anticipation. Because of her bleed, and, Nicky suspected, the fact that she was pregnant due to "negligence", they wanted her to have another scan.

In her seventh month of pregnancy, Nicky had begun to feel kicks and punches acutely and frequently. She could make out if it was a leg or an arm and it was awe-inspiring but also terrifying. When the baby was a tiny minute little dot, it was easier to pretend that it wasn't happening. Now it was all so terrifyingly real.

"Nichols."

Her name stirred her from her thoughts and she nodded in the direction of the doctor, the same one she had seen all those months ago. "Coming," she called softly. Her breakfast churned in her stomach, but she swallowed hard and followed him into the bijou office.

"Sit, please." He said. He tapped his pen on his clipboard. "29 weeks pregnant, first time mom?" He asked.

Nicky nodded silently, legs swinging as she sat on the chair. "Yep. I thought this would be a great time to start a family. Stable housing, food on the table."

The doctor laughed, placing his clipboard down. "You got any family, Nichols? It's only a matter of time now." He slipped gloves on as he waited for an answer, switching on the screen to the ultrasound machine.

"I'm not like those other girls." Nicky said, insistent but quiet. "I don't want ten kids. Marka…" Nicky sighed. "My mom, she only had me. She's not poor or destitute. She was a shitty mother, I mean I ended up here, didn't I? But she's got a good life."

"You're lucky." The doctor nodded as he gestured for Nicky to lie down, which she did, pulling up her shirt. He squirted the gel onto her stomach and she shivered. "Sorry," he smiled. "It's a little cold."

"Life's cold." Nicky said with a throaty laugh. "We'll both have to get used to it."

The doctor gave another small laugh and then concentrated on the ultrasound. "Everything looks like it's going well…" he moved the image on the screen and examined the fetus. "Do you want to know the sex?"

Nicky's eyes widened slightly and she considered for a moment before shaking her head. "No. I don't think I do."

"That's fine," the doctor said lightly, writing down in his chart and then smiling reassuringly. "You can wipe the gel off - we're all done here." He snapped off his gloves. "I heard Anderson got fired."

Nicky nodded faintly. "Mhm."

She absently wiped the gel from her midriff as she thought about it. Anderson hadn't argued the accusation, and the fact that he had been caught with drugs on him the day after she'd confessed in Caputo's office didn't help his reputation either. To be truthful, Nicky hadn't cared either way.

She had promised Red no more drugs. And she'd seen the effects of babies born addicted to drugs - Fig had shown it in some PSA when she'd shown up on the day that NA took place. Their tiny piercing screams were heartbreaking, and Nicky was reckless and could be selfish, but she wasn't about to put a baby - her baby - through one of the worst experiences she'd ever been through.

"Well," the doctor said, filing Nicky's notes away safely. "Maybe he shouldn't have made such a monumental fuck up."

Nicky smiled faintly, her hand resting on her stomach as the baby kicked away. "The baby's gonna need a lot of help with his genes. And mine," she added softly. "It's been argued - I know it's shocking - that I'm also a fuck up of the monumental kind."

"There are worse things a mother can be." The doctor said, shrugging.

"I know," Nicky nodded. She hoped she wouldn't ever be any of those things.

"They've been telling me all of these fucking stories about when they had their kids, and it's like a horror story." Nicky glared at the glass that showed a window into the prison from the visiting room. "They're looking at me like I'm the one with two heads because I didn't know you can rip down there. Isn't that kinda a flaw in mother nature's plan? Those books you gave me kept saying "don't worry, your body is perfectly designed for this." If that were true then surely you wouldn't be the same as when Boo tried to fit into Lorna's pants for a dare and then they ripped at the seams."

Red couldn't stop the smile on her face as Nicky complained, but cringed at her description. "Nicky, you are not the same as a pair of pants. Besides, they can stitch all that up - you'll be fine."

"Am I not? Because that sounds pretty fucking familiar." Nicky said, her mind casting back to Lorna crying because she'd stitched it wonkily and worrying people would think her ass was higher on one side.

She shifted in her seat, her growing bump not fitting comfortably under the table. She was beginning to know how Red felt with back pain as pain twinged at her spine. Heaving a sigh, Nicky raised an eyebrow at Red. "How's everything with you?"

"It's good. I'm saving up enough so that we should be able to afford somewhere when you get out." Red hesitated, and Nicky noticed straight away.

"What? What is it?"

"I've been helping Marka decorate." Red said tentatively.

Nicky nodded in acknowledgement. "Oh yeah? What's she redoing now - the living room or the other living room?"

"The nursery." Red said. Nicky didn't say anything, but nor did she look annoyed, so she continued. "It's yellow. She ordered the crib which came yesterday too. It's all very beautiful." Red said, a hint of envy in her voice. When her boys were tiny, they had whatever they could afford - for her second and third babies, it was always what the older child had just outgrown. Marka had a steady stream of purchases coming through and never even seemed to bat an eyelid.

Nicky let a smile ghost on her lips for a moment. "Sounds like the baby will have everything she ever needs." The statement sounded nice, but Red knew the meaning behind it.

"I'll take care of her." Red said resolutely. "But I think Marka means what she said too - she's going to give her everything she needs until she can have what she really needs. What every baby really needs - their mom."

"Hmm." Nicky said, staring off into the distance. "I really hope you're right."

"There are tiny elephants on the wall. A little yellow blanket in her crib. It's all so beautiful," Red repeated. "Do you want anything in there?"

Nicky stared at Red and considered for a moment before a small smile crept onto her face. "There are elephants on the wall?"

"Yes," Red said, surprised that Nicky had even been listening. "A stuffed toy elephant on a shelf."

Nicky's eyes lit up. "An elephant with a little patchwork square on its back?"

Red sat up in surprise, and nodded. Red had immediately noticed the intricate detail on the elephant, wondering how much the thing cost. It was certainly unusual. "Yes. How did you know?"

"That was my elephant." Nicky says proudly, sounding like a child who is trying to prove themselves to their parents. "I won it at a fair with Paloma. Marka hated it. But I loved that elephant," Nicky sighed wistfully. "It dropped it from a cab on the way to my grandmother's house once, and it ripped across the back. I thought Marka would make me throw it away, because she'd said that's what she wanted to do before."

"And…?" Red asked. Clearly she hadn't made her daughter throw it out, and Red hoped it would be something nice to remember for Nicky.

"She didn't. Obviously she didn't. She picked it and me up despite wearing one of her garden party dresses...put us back in the cab." Nicky smiled sadly at the memory. "When we got to Nana's house she asked the maid if she knew where the sewing kit was. My grandmother was still busy getting ready, so Marka cut a piece of the dining room curtain off and sewed it onto Flora's back. Nana asked where I'd gotten the elephant from, because it looked familiar." Nicky laughed softly. "I think she did it because she hated her mom too…"

The jovial tone of the conversation turned sour and somber, and Nicky sighed as Red took her hand. "It's one of the best memories I have from when I was little. One of the only good ones." She raised her eyebrows. "I didn't know she kept it."

"That must show she cares, even just a little." Red said. Her hands combed through Nicky's hair, and she smiled.

"I don't pretend to know how Marka's fucked up mind works. And she doesn't pretend that she gets me."

Red knew by Nicky's tone that her reminiscing was over, and nodded minutely.

"So...what's new with you?" Red tried to steer the conversation in a more positive light, and Nicky tilted her head.

"Well. What's new with me? I'm still in prison, but I guess that's old...still pregnant, yep. Nothing new with me." A pang of guilt hit her. "Oh. I had a scan this morning," she admitted, a blush sweeping her cheeks. "I forgot."

"A scan?" Red's face lit up. She felt awful that she would never be there with Nicky through her scans, pregnancy, and worse, birth, but it was monumental that she was going through this. It was so much different from having a grandchild from a son - for one, she had been incarcerated throughout her daughter-in-law's pregnancy, and two, men don't feel the same connection to their unborn child as women do. They simply can't.

Nicky nodded. "Uh-huh. They asked me if I wanted to know the sex."

Red gasped excitedly. "And did you? What is it?" Red's voice was rushed and Nicky chuckled, shaking her head.

"I didn't want to know."

Red shook her head. "You needed to know what was for lunch a week in advance but you can wait nine months to see whether your baby is a boy or a girl. Impressive. Frustrating, because babushkas need to know these things."

Nicky beamed a smile. "She's going to love you."

"And I'm going to love her." Red paused and then continued. "What if she's a he, though?"

"He'll still love you." Nicky teased.

"I mean names, smart ass. Willow is a great name for a little girl, but I'm not sure a boy would want to be called that."

"I'm not settled on Willow." Nicky said, and then she leant back on her chair, considering. "I was flicking through a baby names book in the library. Maybe….maybe Daniel, or Jackson. Or Isaac, maybe."

Red raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. "I hope she is a she."

Nicky scoffed, one hand in Red's and another resting on her stomach where she felt the steady stream of kicks. "You're so dramatic. It's better than my name, eh?"

"You're right. But please don't lower your standards to those of Marka's," she laughed. She felt a little guilty, from working alongside the woman day in, day out, but Nicky smiled and it was worth it. "Maybe you'll know what their name is supposed to be when you see them. I can't wait to meet my newest grandchild." Red beamed.

"Me either," Nicky complained. "My back hurts and I can't breathe anymore." She poked her stomach gently. "Get outta there!"

Red smiled. "Don't say that. She's still got some cooking to do in there. We want her - or him," she quickly interjected. "To be strong and healthy. You hear that, little one?"

"I know, I know. I just wish she could come out now."

"Be careful what you wish for, honey." Red said with a raised eyebrow. "You might just get it."

"I don't believe in all of that." Nicky said dismissively. As visitors around them started to get up at the instruction of the CO in charge, Red bent down and placed a kiss on Nicky's forehead.

"I'll see you soon, honey." Red said softly, her breath tickling Nicky's ear.

Nicky smiled and wrapped her arm around Red's neck. "See you soon, Ma."


	10. Month Eight

Month eight

Nicky stared at Gloria from across the kitchen. Breakfast had been served already, and Gloria flicked through her letters. Nicky had taken to spending more time in the kitchen instead of out with the others. In the penultimate month of her pregnancy she had been growing more and more uncomfortable by the day.

"You got letters?" Nicky asked, craning her neck to see the chicken scratch that was Gloria's youngest son's handwriting.

"Mhm," Gloria said, mostly ignoring the presence of the younger woman as she scanned the letter. She smiled as she read that he was doing well at school, and that he had found a date to his spring dance, and yanked the next letter from its envelope.

"Who's it from?" Nicky asked curiously. She hopped - though hopping, she found, was becoming increasingly difficult - from the chair she was perched on and sidled next to Gloria. "Anyone I know?"

Gloria rested the letter on her chest, shielding the words from Nicky. "None of your damn business," she said, but there was no malice in her voice. She rested against the kitchen counter, and, finishing the letter, she turned her attention to Nicky. "How you holding up?"

"I have a stomachache." Nicky whined. She pulled her shirt down, annoyed that it barely covered her growing bump, and waited for sympathy.

"Well," Gloria shrugged, setting the letter down on the counter. "I offered you the drink that helped every woman in my family for fourteen - fifteen, if you count Daya, who it definitely worked for - generations, but you didn't want it."

Nicky scoffed. "Why should I trust you're not gonna put something awful in it?"

Gloria raised an eyebrow. "There's definitely going to be something awful in it." She smirked at Nicky. "The horrible things are the things that make it work. Now, you want me to make it or not?"

Nicky groaned, but nodded. When Gloria turned to grab the ingredients, Nicky swiped the letter from the counter. She immediately recognized the handwriting as Red's. When she had scanned through the letter and was satisfied, she waved it in the air. "You two are talking about me again? Don't you get bored talking about me?"

Gloria turned with a frown. "You're stealing my letters as well as my free time now?"

"You just leave the evidence laying around. That why you in prison, Mendoza?" Nicky countered, holding the letter out teasingly and then yanking it out of Gloria's grasp every time she reached for it.

Gloria snatched the letter back as she arched an eyebrow. "You're a junkie, Nichols. Didn't realize you were a thief too."

"Well, that's stupid. I was arrested cause I stole a cab." Nicky says, watching warily as Gloria still prepared the drink despite her sass.

"Here." Gloria said finally, ignoring Nicky's last comment. She passed her a plastic drinking glass filled halfway with brown liquid. Nicky looked at Gloria suspiciously as she swilled the liquid around in the glass. "Drink this."

Nicky wrinkled her nose and put it down on the counter challengingly. "What is this?"

Gloria pushed it closer to Nicky. "Did I tell you to question me, or did I tell you to drink it, huh?"

Nicky took the drink reluctantly, but it went nowhere near her lips. "Well, thanks, Mendoza. But I gotta get to work," she said quickly.

She spun on her heels and turned, dropping the drink into a trash can on the way out, ignoring the pains in her stomach. "Probably caused by all the fucking spicy food," she muttered, but she flashed a smile and a thumbs up to Gloria as she turned the corner.

Gloria shook her head as she turned her attention to prepping for lunch. "Fucking Red. Gotta keep her girls in check…"

But she smiled to herself as she scanned through the letter again. She'd grown close to Red in the later months of her sentence, and it was nice to think that Red thought she could turn to her for help with Nicky.

Lorna flicked through a baby names book in the library, her scarlet lips mouthing each name as she found one she liked the look of. When she was younger, she imagined that she would already have kids by now. A husband. A beautiful life! But it hadn't panned out that way. Lorna glanced at Nicky furtively. She looked so different now - she wasn't exactly….glowing, but she looked content as she rested on the table. Looking back at her book, Lorna gasped. "What about Trixie?"

Nicky lifted her head from her folded arms and scoffed. "Sure, if this baby was a cocker spaniel. Or a stripper."

Lorna stiffened and slammed the book shut. "Well, you could have just said no," she said with a frown. She tucked her hair behind her ears and looked reproachfully at Nicky.

Nicky softened and held her hands up. "I know and I'm sorry." She looked up through her lashes at Lorna and grinned. "You wanna feel her kicking?"

"Always!" Lorna smiled, quicking forgetting that she was offended and placing a cold hand on Nicky's stomach. She loved feeling the little kicks. It also made her feel a little queasy, but she pushed that down in order to marvel at the tiny hands and feet kicking at her palm. "Are you ready to come out, little one?"

Nicky let a smile ghost over her features. "I'm ready for her to come out."

"You still think she's a girl?"

Nicky nodded. "I think so. I don't know why, just a feeling."

"Sit back." Lorna instructed Nicky. She slipped off her wedding band and pulled a thread from the bottom of Nicky's shirt, looping it through the ring. Then she held it over Nicky's belly. It swung in a circular motion. "You're right!" Lorna exclaimed. "There. You're having a girl."

Nicky laughed. "Lorna, you know that's complete bull, don't you?"

"Maybe," Lorna sung cheerfully. "But my nonna did this test on my mom when she was having me and my sister, and it came out right every time!"

"Well," Nicky said, leaning forward as Lorna slipped on her wedding ring again. "We'll find out in a month or so." She nibbled on her thumbnail.

Lorna looked up at Nicky regretfully. "I wish we'd met in different worlds. In different lives. Wouldn't that be nice?" She placed her left hand on Nicky's stomach and made her fingers tap dance over her tummy, tickling her with the hair that touched her skin. "I'm never gonna know her," Morello whispered. "Not really."

"Me either." Nicky said after a moment. Her own hand had fallen to rest on her stomach. "Not for the first few months of her life, anyway."

"Well, maybe we could say what we wanted her to hear now?" Lorna suggested. She leaned closer to the bump and whispered. "Your mommy is the sweetest person I know. She's gonna take care of you real well." She smiled. "Maybe one day I'll see you again. I really hope that I can," she said earnestly.

Nicky's mouth was dry. "Thanks, kid," she rasped. "And I hope so too."

Lorna beamed up at Nicky and came to a stand. "Come on. Let's go watch some TV. Books are overrated anyways!"

Nicky laughed. "Sure."

"Come on!" Lorna said impatiently. "What are you waiting for?"

Nicky struggled to come to a stand, and eventually sat back in the chair angrily. She blew her hair out of her face. "I'm waiting for gravity to give me a fucking break!"

Lorna's tinkly laugh filled the library, causing them to get a sharp "shh!" from a woman neither of them knew at the next table. Lorna took Nicky's hands and pulled. "Come on!" She whispered through her giggles. "You're not even trying!"

"I am trying!" Nicky hissed, glaring at Lorna. "I am trying. Don't know if you've personally tried it, but it's like trying without succeeding. Ring any bells?"

Lorna laughed despite Nicky's dark tone. "Spend a little more energy on getting up and less on sassing me!"

Nicky glared but a smirk shined through despite her anger. "I'm gonna make you pay for that when I can get up from this damn chair."

"Red!" Nicky beamed as she sat down at the table in the visiting room. The older woman wrapped Nicky into a bear hug, squeezing her as tight as Nicky's ever expanding bump would allow. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, milaya." Red said with a smile. She sat down at the table across from Nicky. "You're glowing!"

Nicky chuckled. "And you're lying."

"How are you feeling? You look so big now. Is she moving around a lot?"

Nicky nodded, her eyes bright, and ran her hands down her bump. "Always, ma."

"Maybe she'll be a little dancer." Red laughed. "We can put her into ballet."

"I'm not sure I'd fit in with the other moms there, if I'm honest with you," Nicky said with a smirk. It was slowly setting in that she would be a mother, despite the months she'd have to spend without her baby. It was a hard, bitter pill to swallow, but a challenge she was up for.

"Well, that doesn't matter. All of them have fake tits and a faker personality to match." Red said thickly. She waved a dismissive hand. "Everything will be fine. Can you imagine how cute she'll be, though, in a tutu?"

Nicky laughed. Red was thinking way ahead. "She's gotta come out before all of that," Nicky said grimly. "I'm not looking forward to that part."

"Mm." Red commiserated. "No-one does, honey."

"But I'll have to do it all alone." Nicky said quietly. "I'm scared, Red." It was the first time she'd admitted that to anyone. She had never really had anyone in her life, but now she did, it felt even worse to be going at something alone.

"I know, I know." Red sighed deeply and smoothed down Nicky's hair. "I'm working on that. I really am."

"I don't know what you could do." Nicky said miserably.

"No, you're right." Red said, cupping Nicky's cheek. "You don't know what I can do."

Nicky forced down another bite of her dinner, feeling sick but knowing she'd feel faint later if she didn't. She rubbed her knuckles down her chest, trying to ease the discomfort. She swigged from her cup, downing the rest of the water.

"You okay, Nichols?" Lorna said, her forehead wrinkling. She turned to face Nicky. "You look a little...green."

Nicky nodded quickly, dismissing Lorna's concern. "Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Just heartburn." She winced. "And my back hurts a little."

Lorna swept hair from Nicky's eyes and sucked her teeth. "Are you alright? It's not the baby, is it?"

Nicky forced a laugh. "Isn't it fucking always?" She eased her back by switching positions. "The books all say you can get Braxton Hicks now. They're bullshit but hurt just the same."

"Are you sure?" Lorna's eyebrows knitted together. "You had those last week but you didn't look so….you know, terrible."

"Thank you, Lorna. That was extremely helpful of you. Incredibly insightful," Nicky hissed between gritted teeth.

"Sorry, honey," Lorna said, feeling flustered. She scraped her hair back worriedly. "I can get the CO. It's Bell," she said encouragingly. "You like her."

"Not particularly." Nicky replied. "I don't think it's anything. You got any words of wisdom, Norma?" Nicky shot across the table. Norma stared back at Nicky, and took her hands, but predictably said nothing. Her eyes said it all, though. "Thanks," Nicky sighed. The twinges in her stomach were beginning to get more intense.

Gloria watched from across the kitchen. She could see from Morello's face that something wasn't right, but she wasn't sure what it was.

"Maria, run the dishwasher." She craned her neck to get a better look. "I gotta deal with something."

"That fucking white girl again? Leave her alone, she don't want your help!" Maria called. "

"Don't be a bitch, Ruiz. She's a first time mom and scared. You don't remember what that's like?" Gloria snapped back. "Just run the fucking dishwasher and cut the crap." She hung her apron on the hook as she left the kitchen, speed walking over to the table where Nicky sat.

Lorna spotted her first. "Hey, Mendoza! You've had kids, right?"

"Mhm." Gloria said, her attention on Nicky. "Too damn many. What's up, Nichols?" Her voice was soft and Nicky glanced up.

"Braxton Hicks." Nicky said, but unlike before, her voice was quiet, not confident. "...I think." She bit her lip as she felt another twinge. "At least, that's what the books all say."

"Mm." Gloria said. "Babies haven't read the books, you know."

Nicky snickered. "Neither have I. That's why I'm not sure."

"Come on," Mendoza said, offering Nicky an arm to help her up. "Come into the kitchen. It's quieter. We can talk," she offered.

Nicky hesitated for a moment but began to stand as Lorna encouraged her. "It'll be okay. The kitchen's got that comfy chair in the office!" Lorna reminded her.

Nicky shuffled over to Gloria, feeling exhausted. The weight of the world seemed to be on her shoulders as she made her way to Gloria, the few feet feeling like hundreds of miles.

"Oh, god." Lorna said from behind her. Nicky immediately whipped round, worry written all over her face.

"What?" Nicky asked.

"Well, shit, Nichols." Gloria whistled, seeing the growing wet patch on the back of Nicky's pants. She took her arm and nodded at her, trying not to freak out despite the anticipation she felt for Nicky. "I don't think those were Braxton Hicks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the chapter.


	11. Welcome To The World, Little One

I'll do whatever it takes,  
I'll make a million mistakes,  
I'll make the world safe and sound for you.

"I'm scared." Nicky admitted, a small bead of sweat forming on her brow. Nicky wasn't afraid of many things. She never feared death, not even when it stared her in the face on three separate occasions. She didn't get scared when she was sentenced to prison - she just got incandescent with rage, spat with anger. If she was truthful with herself, before prison, she didn't really have anything to lose. Now, as she panted between contractions, she felt terror rising in her chest. She had everything to lose.

"It's okay, sweetie." Lorna rubbed circles in the small of Nicky's back as she leaned over the wall of her cube. She leaned down to whisper in Nicky's ear, pushing her hair back gently. "It all starts today. Aren't you even a little excited?"

Nicky gritted her teeth through another wave of pain, swaying her hips like it said in all the books. She attempted to breathe through it. "I haven't felt excitement in a long time," Nicky said, blowing hair out of her eyes. "Remind me, does it feel like you're being ripped in two?"

Gloria laughed from the edge of the cube. "If that's the case then I felt real fucking excited in labor with both my boys."

Nicky's head snapped up and she managed to crack a smile. "I need a favor," she said to Lorna. She winced through the pain. "You'll help me out, won't ya, doll?"

"Depends," Lorna said suspiciously. She let Nicky squeeze her hand through the contraction, wiggling her fingers in the air afterwards.

"I need to make a phone call." Nicky dropped the blanket someone had draped around her shoulders. It was only making her feel claustrophobic anyway, as the blanket had long lost the comforting smell of Red. "Help me over there, will you?"

Lorna bit her lip. "Are you sure that's what you want to do?" Her eyes met Gloria's across the room, who nodded minutely.

"Don't look at her, look at me! I'm not a fucking child. If you don't take me, I'll go by myself." Nicky snapped.

The walk to the phone seemed like an eternity, but once they were there, Nicky wished the walk had been twice as long. She leant against the wall, one hand over the receiver, but not moving to punch in the number.

"What's the matter, sweetie?" Lorna asked patiently, rubbing Nicky's back. A rush of excitement flew through her, along with pangs of jealousy. It wasn't ideal, of course, but the brunette envied Nicky's bump nonetheless. She spent a lot of time thinking up nursery designs and whilst Nicky humored her, it broke her with each suggestion that she would never get to implement for her own child.

Tears stung the back of Nicky's eyes, determined to fall though she tried to stay stoic even in the face of what seemed like unbearable pain. "I want to call Red."

"Well, go on then." Lorna said, reaching out and hovering her hand over the numbers. "What's the number?"

"I can't," Nicky said, her chin quivering like a child's would. "Marka's the one coming to get the baby. I have to call her instead." With one hand on her stomach, Nicky added silently "I have to put my baby first now."

The blonde took a deep breath, steeling herself for the conversation she was about to have, and punched in the number. She hadn't heard Marka's voice in months now, not since she'd asked her to look after the baby. That was bad enough, too painful to even rake over again, and though she wanted to feel that burning rage she'd felt throughout her whole life, she only felt trepidation.

"Nicole," Marka's voice sang through the phone. "I didn't expect to hear from you so soon."

Nicky held back a laugh. So soon. It had been months. Instead, she threw her head back and breathed through another contraction. "Yeah, well," she panted, "I only called to tell you I'm in labor. I don't know how long it's going to be."

"Oh! Are you sure?" Marka asked. "I'll have to cancel a few meetings…"

"Thanks." Nicky said flatly. Embers of doubt had been burning in her mind since she decided to let Marka look after the baby, and they were sparking into a bonfire as Nicky realized that work was still the most important thing to the woman she had never known as a proper mother. She could only hope that Red would be there to provide actual love for the baby. She desperately wanted to ask about Red, but resisted.

Silence on the other end was all that kept Nicky company. With an angry and resigned sigh, Nicky slammed the phone down.

On the other end of the line, Marka picked up the phone again after setting it down. "All cancelled!" Marka said breathlessly. "I'm so excited to meet him or her….sweetheart?"

She took the phone from her ear and frowned when she realized it had disconnected. Murmuring something insulting about the state of government institutions and their unreliable phone lines, she got to work preparing herself to meet her grandchild. She had never liked babies, and was a terrible mother...but this time, she hoped, would be different.

In the moments following the phone call, Marka was a one woman hurricane as she hurried around the apartment, picking up pieces of paper and squirreling them away in her purse, unhooking her coat from the stand, and typing away on her phone the whole time.

Red paused in the kitchen, turning the pot of ragu down to a simmer, and listened to the flurry of activity happening in the other room. She wiped her hands on the front of her apron and stepped quietly to the door, sticking her head out curiously.

"Are you okay, Ms Nichols?" Red said, particularly formal, because now Marka was methodically flicking through a rolodex she appeared more like the business woman Red had known her to be before, and less like the scatterbrained boss she had grown to know, who forgot her glasse when they were on top of her head.

Marka gave a start at Red's sudden entrance, and nodded quickly without looking up from her files. "Yes! Everything is fine, Galina. Come on in." She straightened after finding the information she was looking for, and wrapped a scarlet pashmina around her cream sweater.

Red stepped into her office and leant on the desk, raising an eyebrow in intrigue. Marka's eyes shone with excitement, and, Red noted, looking at her trembling hands, slight nervousness. "You remember my daughter, don't you?" Marka looked at Red with a sheepish smile. "Of course you do. You helped decorate the nursery. Anyway," she continued, excitedly gathering papers. "She's in labor right now. She's at the hospital."

Red was glad she was leaning on the table, for her legs almost gave way completely. The room span around her and she didn't have the breath in her lungs to utter a response.

Marka suddenly seemed to have an invisible force weighing her down, too, perhaps at Red's lackluster reaction, because she sat at her desk with a worried glance off into the distance. "The circumstances aren't ideal. I'm going to be honest with you, Galina...you're the only person I've told. Ever since Paolo left I don't have many people I can be myself with."

"Mhm," Red said, but she was mentally counting the days in her head and wondering if something bad had happened that triggered Nicky to labor a few weeks early. Would the baby be okay? Would Nicky? What about her heart? A thousand thoughts ran through Red's head. Marka didn't notice Red's mental absence and continued. "Nicole was just so different," she said, a deep frown forming on her forehead. "We didn't understand each other. And then she went off the rails and I handled everything so wrong. But pride is a funny thing, it stops you from doing what's right."

Red snapped to attention, nodding. Her own past was creeping up on her and she knew what pride could do to a person, to a family. "I know that much," Red said, her voice hoarse. "This is your second chance, Ms Nichols."

"Call me Marka," she said.

"This is your second chance. Don't blow it," Red said. She swallowed hard. "Don't let...Nicole down." The word Nicole was so unnatural, so detached from her daughter. From her Nicky. She felt immensely jealous that Marka knew of Nicky's labor before she did, though she knew it was irrational. She wanted to be at Nicky's bedside, and yet had to fake nonchalance. It was killing her, but the best thing for Nicky was this whole plan working out. It had to work out. There was no plan B.

Marka stood, all of her belongings finally together, and nodded seriously at Red. "I know."

"And Marka?" Red said, just as she was pulling at the door to leave.

"Yes?"

"Good luck, grandma," she choked out. The words hurt to say but she had no choice. She just had to hope that through all of this, she too could look after the baby she considered her grandchild, and do Nicky proud.

Meanwhile, in a hospital far away, Nicky's face had turned purple with effort and the doctors in the room were telling her to push.

"One last push, Nicole!" The doctor who had been there from the beginning encouraged. "One more push and your baby will be born."

Nicky didn't mind that she was being called Nicole. It was easy to detach herself from the situation this way, to push away all of the distractions. Her body was doing most of the work, telling her what she needed to do, and she was grateful for it for once.

"The time is seven-forty seven," the doctor called. "A baby girl!"

Nicky didn't know what to feel. Utter relief. Disbelief that it had happened, finally. A sense of animalistic protectiveness as she sat up on her elbows to watch her baby - her daughter - being weighed. Her cries pierced through the room.

"What are you doing?" Nicky asked anxiously, her eyebrows knitting together. "Is she...is she okay?"

"Just checking her over. She's fine, don't worry." One of the nurses smiled at Nicky and finally handed her the crying infant.

Nicky stared down at the baby in her arms. Bright blue eyes pierced through her, blinking slowly. Nicky brushed her fingers over the baby's forehead, feeling utterly overwhelmed by the tiny life she had brought into the world, albeit accidentally.

"Hi there, little one," she said, her voice so soft she even surprised herself. "I'm your mommy." The word, of course, felt foreign to her lips, especially referring to herself. A wistful smile fell over her features. Would it ever feel natural? She didn't know, but the baby wasn't crying, and Nicky felt thankful that she had a moment to catch her breath.

Bell sat in the corner of the room, unobtrusively doing a crossword puzzle. Thankfully, she'd been in the cafeteria when Nicky's labor had started, for Nicky wasn't sure how much she would have liked someone like Mendez with her at her most vulnerable. Nicky could see her sneaking peeks every few moments, and she couldn't blame her; Nicky had never seen anyone as beautiful before, despite her red face and her tiny rosebud lips puckering in protest as Nicky stopped brushing her forehead.

Pulling up the little pink, white and blue hat with a bow on the front, Nicky chuckled. When they first brought it out for the baby, Nicky had scoffed, unimpressed. What patriarchal bullshit, she had thought as they tucked her ears in it. But then she glanced down at the baby in her arms, and her heart melted.

Nicky looked down at the baby and closed her eyes. She brushed her own cheek over her baby daughter's cheek and marvelled at how it just felt right. "I love you," Nicky whispered after a moment, her own brown eyes opening suddenly. She stared into the baby's eyes. "I didn't know if I would. I know that's a shitty thing to say, but you're not gonna remember. I didn't know if I'd love you...I didn't know if I wanted you." Nicky rocked the baby gently as she began to stir. "Maybe it was just me that was hard to love. Because...I don't know any way I could look down and you and not love you."

Nicky let her head rest on her pillow behind her. Her whole body felt heavy yet she felt so serene at the same time. "I'm gonna protect you from anything bad." Nicky promised. "You're gonna be happy, I'll make that happen...I can be very persuasive. Just as soon as I can, we're gonna make a great team." Nicky smiled.

The baby's shrill cries cut through the room. "Maybe not just now, though," she laughed softly. "It's okay. Everything must be so scary now you're out." Nicky's humming and rocking fell on deaf ears. "Shh, shh...I know, I know," she whispered. "Don't cry, sweetheart." Tears welled in her own eyes, a mixture of hormones and feelings of the past bubbling to the surface, not to mention fears for the future. "Okay, well," Nicky said, wiping her eyes and tracing the baby's features. "You know what they say," she continued, the tears slipping down her cheeks. She wasn't sure if they were tears of happiness and joy, or just sheer terror, but she let them fall. The baby's cries echoed through the room. "If you can't beat them, huh, join them.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for the kudos.


	12. Forget Me Not

_24 hours._

That's all she was going to get with her precious newborn. According to the US correctional system, that's all she needed to recover from her birth. That might be so, but as Nicky stared at the new life she'd brought into the world, she thought it would take a lifetime to get over the separation that came at the end.

Time with her baby had passed in the blink of an eye.

Now, at the twentieth hour, Nicky fought sleep. Her eyelids felt like they were being pulled down by weights. Every time they dared to shut, they immediately flickered back open again, fixated on the baby softly breathing in the little plastic bassinet next to her bed. Nicky reached her hand out to touch the baby's little starfish hands stretching in her sleep.

_5110 hours._

That's how many hours she was going to be away from her baby on the inside. She'd counted it in the hours of sleeplessness she'd suffered in the later months of her pregnancy. Nicky choked back tears. Why hadn't she appreciated every kick to her ribs? Why hadn't she counted the hiccups? Why hadn't she taken Red's advice and spoken to her little girl, instead of feeling stupid and only whispering in the dead of night?

Nicky brushed tears away. The room was dark but the light of the moon shone in through the small window on one wall. It reminded Nicky of when she was a child; the moon felt like her only friend and ally when she was little and couldn't sleep. Marka was always unavailable and even her nanny eventually tired of reading bedtime story after bedtime story. She often spent hours staring out of her window, feeling warm and cosy in bed but utterly alone.

The baby cried at the sudden touch. "I'm sorry," Nicky said. Tears stung at the back of her eyes and she blinked them back. She trailed her fingers over the baby's forehead. She hadn't learned that little comforting touch from Marka, of course. Red had done it countless times when detoxing got too painful to bear. Nicky hoped her baby would never feel such pain. With Marka as her guardian, Nicky didn't feel much hope. She swallowed hard as the baby continued to scream. She screwed her eyes shut, feeling hopeless that she couldn't even comfort her own baby.

Light footsteps crossed the room. "It's okay, sweetie," a nurse whispered. Nicky watched as the nurse placed a gentle hand on the screaming infant. But it wasn't the baby she was comforting. Her eye met Nicky's. "First time mom, huh?"

"You can tell?" Nicky asked. She sighed, crestfallen, and tickled her daughter's tiny toes. "I've never even held a baby before," Nicky admitted.

"Not because you're doing a bad job," the nurse reassured her tactfully. "You just touch her like she's made of glass. She won't break. I promise!"

"She's so tiny."

"I know," the nurse chuckled. "But you'll get used to it. They don't stay tiny for long."

Nicky rested her hand on the bassinet, regret weighing heavily on her mind. But never for the life she'd brought into the world. Never for her baby girl. "So I've heard," she whispered.

"It's time." Bell said quietly. "The van's outside and waiting, Nichols."

The nurse from earlier that night stepped into the room. A smile was plastered on her face, but her eyes were filled with tears. A baby should go home with its mother. "Is Baby Nichols ready to go in the nursery?"

"Yes," Bell answered. The nurse looked back to Bell, and then to Nicky. Wordlessly, she took the baby from Nicky's arms.

"We'll take care of her," she said. "She's safe here. And from what I've heard, Grandma is on the way."

Nicky fought back tears. The nurse's statement did nothing to calm her fears. "She should be with me! I'm all she knows. She's heard my voice and my heartbeat for nine months. And now she's going to be hearing machines beeping and other babies crying and she's going to wonder where _I_ am." Her voice grew hysterical.

"Please don't worry," the nurse said, fretting. "Look, she's fine."

"Please don't take her yet," she pleaded, her arms already feeling the enormous weight of the emptiness. Her eyes went to Bell, who stood unobtrusively in the corner with her arms folded. Her head was bent to the floor, and Nicky wondered if she ever regretted her career choice. "Can't I have just a little more time?" Nicky asked desperately. "Just an hour? Even _half an hour."_

Bell looked up, her lips pressed into a thin line. She shook her head minutely. When she spoke, her voice was raspy. "Sorry, Nichols. I wish I could." Nicky swallowed and nodded wordlessly. Her eyes went to the baby in the nurse's arms, and she reached out to touch her face. "Take a minute to say goodbye," Bell said. She reached out to touch Nicky's arm gently.

Nicky was grateful, but shook her head. She breathed in shakily, biting her lip. Her hand stroked the wispy hair on her daughter's head. "How can I say goodbye when I haven't even said hello properly yet?"

Pennsatucky glanced at Nicky through the rearview mirror. "I'll drive real smooth," she said, nodding at Nicky. "This ain't my first rodeo, right, Bell?" She nudged the CO in the seat next to her and received a glare in response. "Hey, I just meant with those hispanic girls always getting pregnant...first lesbian we've had though!"

Nicky's knuckles turned white as she held onto the door handle. If she didn't feel so numb, she would have laughed. Without her baby, though, there didn't seem a point to anything, let alone laughing at stupid comments from methheads.

"So," Dogget continued, keeping to her word and turning the corner remarkably smoothly. "What did you have?"

"A girl," Nicky replied. Her voice trembled and she shut her mouth, fearing that if she even thought about her little girl any longer she would crumble into a hyperventilating mess.

Pennsatucky nodded. "Well, if you need a name, I always liked Bonnie. That's what I named mine."

"Yours?" Nicky asked wearily. Her head felt fuzzy but she was pretty sure she'd never heard Pennsatucky mention a child before.

"Yeah," she sighed as they finally pulled up outside Litchfield. "My unborn baby." She glanced at Nicky in the rearview again. "One of 'em, at least."

Nicky looked out of the window. Her home, at least for the foreseeable, stood in front of her. It was dirty and dingy, it was full of methheads, and it felt like she was walking into the gates of hell, but she just wanted to crawl into her bed and stay there for the next seven months. As glad as she was that Red would be there for her baby, she desperately wanted her for herself.

Pennsatucky awaited a reply, and Nicky was feeling too weak to be anything more than bemused by her, so she nodded wearily. "Bonnie's a nice name."

"Nicky!" Lorna jumped up from her bunk, and ran to meet the blonde as she shuffled across the dorm. "Look at you, you can fit through doors sideways again!" She laughed easily. "So, what did you have? Was I right?"

Nicky said nothing; she felt utterly overwhelmed. She fell into Lorna's arms. "Oh, honey," Lorna murmured, feeling the wet warmth of tears on her cheek. She helped her to her bunk, and curled up with her. "Tell me all about it."

"She's perfect, Lorna," Nicky said through her tears. "She's so tiny. Her nose is like a little button. And she has blue eyes! They're just like Red's, which is weird, I know," she rambled. Tears stained her face. "I feel like there's a part of me missing. I know it sounds stupid, and I thought I'd never say mushy shit like that...but she's more important than anything. And by the time she's mine again, she's not gonna know who I am."

"Of course she will! Don't be silly," Lorna admonished her gently, brushing her hair out of her watery eyes. "You're her mommy, Nicky. She will _always_ need you. These seven months...she's not even going to remember them. You've got a lifetime with her."

"Galina!" Marka yelled softly. "I don't care what you're doing, I have something much more important for you to do in here."

Red closed the cookery book she had been leafing through. The time had passed painfully slowly, and with every second that ticked by, her anxiety for Nicky had grown stronger and stronger. "What is it, Mrs Nichols?" She hovered at the doorway, too afraid to ask if everything had gone okay.

"Come out here, Galina!" Marka laughed. It was one of the only genuine laughs Red had ever heard coming from the woman, and it gave her enough confidence that everything had gone well. With a small spring in her step, Red walked to meet Marka in the hallway. "Galina, I have someone for you to meet."

"Oh!" Red gasped. Marka carried a carseat on her left arm, carrying extremely precious cargo. Bright blue eyes stared back at her, and she fought the urge to whisk the baby out of the seat and into her arms.

By the pink sleepsuit, Red deduced she had a granddaughter. She bit back a laugh. How twisted, that she had to pretend she didn't see this baby as her own flesh and blood, or as good as? "Isn't she _gorgeous?"_ Marka gushed.

Red's eyes filled. "She's a beauty," Red admitted. _And she looks just like Nicky,_ she added silently. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the baby. Instead, Red clasped her hands together. "Oh, can I have a hold of her?"

"Of course," Marka said. "The nurses said I'd need to give her a feed by the time I got her home, so you can do that if you want." She looked at Red sheepishly. "To be honest with you, I've forgotten how to do it all."

 _Forgotten?_ Red thought. She doubted if she'd ever learned. Regardless, Red was thrilled. She couldn't wait to feed her. Some of her most precious memories of her boys were the midnight feedings, just the two of them against the world. To know that she would experience that with Nicky's baby transcended any small shred of hope that she'd dared to have upon learning of her only daughter's troublesome pregnancy.

"I know, you think I never did any of that," Marka said, as if reading Red's mind. "I had a nanny when Nicky was younger, but I used to come home from work and feed her to sleep. It was time for just us." She sighed deeply. "That stopped when I met Paolo."

Red didn't need to say what she thought. It was perfectly clear, and she didn't want to ruin one of the happiest moments in her life with sad tales from Nicky's childhood. Marka set the carseat down next to Red, and she instantly bent down to take the baby out. She fussed for a moment, but settled into Red's warm and strong arms. "Ooh, hello, little one."

Marka looked at Red worriedly. "She's so small."

"Good things come in small packages," Red smiled. She stroked the baby's wispy hair, falling more and more in love with every breath the baby took. "Now, what is this little one called?"

"Parker Willow," Marka said. She smiled, but this time, it was more uncertain. "It's...different."

"So is she," Red said. "Is Marka a common name? And in all my years here, I've never met another Galina. When people speak of her, they're not going to say, _Parker Willow? Which one?"_ Red held the baby to her chest, feeling like she had a piece of Nicky in her arms. "They're going to say, _Parker Willow, I know her._ And by God, trust me - everyone is going to want to know this little girl."


	13. Chapter 13

Red opened the door to Marka's apartment to the less than soothing tones of a screaming baby. Her brow furrowing, she dropped her bag by the door and followed the shrill sound, her worry mounting. Despite the weeks passing, there still didn't seem to be any routine present in the house. Marka stood over the crib, a phone tucked between her shoulder and ear, gently rocking the baby as she tried - unsuccessfully, it seemed by her pained expression - to make a business deal.

Red crept into the room. Whilst she didn't want to overstep the mark, she couldn't stand to see Parker crying so forcefully. The urge to quiet the noise and comfort the infant came from deep inside, a primal need; so powerful that she couldn't ignore it any longer, not even to appease Marka.

"Ms Nichols," Red said quietly, coming further into the room. "Go take your call. Let me deal with this little one."

Marka didn't resist. In fact, she looked grateful for the help, and quickly backed out of the room, a harried expression marring the features that reminded Red so much of Nicky. As she closed the door, she mouthed a thank you to Red.

Red scooped up the newborn. Her skin was mottled with the effort of crying, and she quieted almost immediately upon being picked up. A relieved smile settled on Red's face. "Hi, Parker," Red whispered. The baby whimpered pitifully, and Red's heart clenched for her, and for Nicky, who was undoubtedly even more upset than the baby she was holding. She desperately wished she could comfort her own daughter, and her mind was filled with awful thoughts of Nicky compromising her sobriety to forget what had happened.

But she focused on the little girl she could comfort, and it brought her peace knowing that she could tell Nicky all about her precious daughter when she finally saw her next. "I know, you miss your mama. She'll be back soon," Red assured her, more for herself than Parker. She stroked the baby's forehead, leaning in close to breathe in the smell that is unique to babies. "I'm your babushka. Not by blood, but that doesn't matter, does it?"

She sat down in the rocking chair on the other side of the room and held the baby close to her. In the other room, she heard Marka's voice, her laugh echoing through the apartment. Both women were in their own element now - one as a businesswoman, and one as a mother and grandmother.

"Your mommy misses you, I know she does...but you and me, we'll get through this together, hmm?" Red chuckled at the frown on the baby's face. "You don't look like you have much faith. That's okay, honey. I'll prove it to you. And people are gonna tell you all sorts of bullshit over the years," she mused. "I know you're not gonna take any of it. You just do you...that is always good enough for us."

By us, she of course meant herself and Nicky. Red knew that Nicky never felt good enough growing up. And she was more than enough. She wouldn't have her granddaughter feeling the same way. Not whilst she was around.

Red was still tending to Parker when Marka eased the door open. She breathed a sigh of relief when she realized there was no more crying, just a contented baby and Red. "Everything went well with the deal," Marka announced, smiling.

"Good," Red said, largely uninterested in business. "Everything went well here too. Do you want to hold her?"

It would be a wrench to let go of the little love, but Red knew she needed to foster a good relationship between the two. Nicky was relying on her and Marka to provide a good life for Parker until she could do it herself.

"I would, but I actually need to get going." Marka checked her watch worriedly. "My meeting is soon, and the nanny has called in sick." Marka bit her lip.

"You have a nanny for her?" Red asked. She tried to contain the disbelief but it seeped into her tone regardless. Marka looked at Red plainly.

"Of course I do," Marka said. "Hear me out. I know I made mistakes with Nicky, I am trying harder this time. But I need to make a living," she said worriedly. "And I'm so old now, Galina."

"Old?" Red laughed. "If you're old, then I'm ancient."

"I feel it, when she won't stop crying," Marka admits. "I just need the nanny for when I'm at work. I can't look after her and take calls, and if I take time off then there just won't be enough money."

Red glanced around at all the things Marka had but didn't need. She doubted that there would ever be not enough money, but clearly Marka needed some time for herself. "I see," she said after a moment.

"I do love her," Marka said. Red wasn't sure who she was trying to convince. "I tell her that, too," she continued softly, coming over to stroke her granddaughter's cheek. "I know Nicky never knew it. But I loved her too. I never thought I'd have any grandchildren. Parker's a blessing, but she's a handful, too."

An alert sounded on Marka's phone, abruptly ending the bittersweet moment. The color drained from Marka's face. "Damn it." She shook her head. "You can never trust staff!"

Red looked up at Marka, one eyebrow raised. "Is that so?"

Marka dropped her phone into her purse and threw Red a half smile. "I don't mean you, Galina. You're more help than all of them put together. It's just...the nanny was supposed to take Parker to see Nicky today. With everything happening and the nanny cancelling, I'd forgotten...oh, she's going to be so disappointed."

Marka sat on the chair by the window, her head in her hands. Parker stayed sleeping peacefully, but Red's heartbeat sped up.

"I can't take her. I have a meeting, it's very important," Marka said, and once again Red didn't know who she was trying to convince. "I can't even call her."

Red shifted so that Parker laid in the crook of her arm. She hesitated. "How about...how about I take her?"

"Oh, Galina. I couldn't ask you to do that."

"You didn't." Red stared into Marka's eyes. "I'm offering. This little girl needs to see her mama," she said, and her voice dropped to a whisper as her mind flitted to Nicky. "And I'm sure her mama is desperate to see her."

"She is," Marka admitted. "But you're not on her visitor's list."

"I am," Red said instantly, and then she backtracked. "I am very persuasive. I'm sure they won't be able to resist this little face, either."

"No," Marka smiled. "I'm sure they won't be able to." She stood, and squeezed Red's arm. "If you're sure. Nicky will be so grateful. Will you tell her that I'm sorry? That I can't make it myself, I mean." Her voice trailed off.

Red nodded. "I'll tell her," she said softly.

Nicky sat down in the visiting room, her leg bouncing nervously. It felt so unnatural to be apart from her baby, and she couldn't wait until she saw her, even if that meant suffering through a visit with Marka. She'd walk through hot coals for her baby. It made her feel even guiltier that she'd spent so much time resenting the life growing inside of her. Anxiously, she hoped that Parker hadn't spent months knowing she was unwanted inside of her.

As she sat, she heard a baby crying. Something deep inside of her told her that it was her baby, and she craned her neck. A flash of red hair was the first thing she saw, and her heart skipped a beat. She flew from her seat despite knowing the rules, and tackled Red into a bear hug.

"Nichols, sit the fuck down," Luschek called from his desk. He didn't stand though, and Nicky obeyed, desperate to see her baby, who remained tucked in her carseat.

"Red," Nicky whispered, clasping her hand tightly and resting her cheek on it. She gestured to Parker in her seat, and looked utterly confused. "How…?"

"I found a way," Red said. "Marka sends her love."

"Does she?" Nicky said, her eyes fixed on the baby. It wasn't important to her anymore. She reached into the carseat and cradled Parker in a tender grip. "Oh, look at her," Nicky breathed. The baby began to stir, and tiny cried echoed through the room. Nicky felt stares on the back of her neck, and she looked at Red worriedly. "She doesn't remember me."

"Hold her close to your chest," Red said, gently pushing Nicky's arms up. "Let her hear your heartbeat. That's the only thing she needs. It was her lullaby for nine months. And besides," Red smiled. "Who could forget you, hmm?"

Nicky did so, and to her amazement, the cries did quiet down. "Do you remember that, Parker?" Nicky asked softly. "You're already bigger."

"Yes," Red smiled. "She eats well. Makes a lot of noise, too, like her mommy." Nicky beamed at Red, and she was relieved that her spirits didn't seem too low.

The time passed in the blink of an eye, and Red felt her anxiety rising as the last few minutes ticked by. When one of the guards called time on visiting hours, Red reluctantly scooped Parker up. She placed a kiss on Nicky's temple, her lips lingering for longer than usual. She missed her girl more than words could possibly say.

Red settled on a goodbye that would be reassuring, not depressing. She wasn't sure if she could hold the tears back if she said a heartfelt farewell.

"I'll look after her," Red promised. Her free hand raked through Nicky's hair, and Nicky leant into the familiar feeling.

"I know," she rasped.

"You'll look after yourself," Red said firmly, tilting Nicky's chin up. "She needs you, you know. When you get out of here, she'll be waiting for you."

Nicky nodded, her eyes glued to the floor. She couldn't bear to watch Parker being taken from her, not again. It almost killed her last time. "Just go, please," Nicky begged. Tears splashed down her cheeks and she wiped them away fiercely. She didn't want her baby seeing her like this. When Red didn't move, Nicky pushed her arm firmly. "Take her, Red!"

With one final kiss, Red turned to leave. She watched Nicky the whole time she left, even through the glass as she craned her neck to see her. She was sobbing, the hysterical cries audible even from the waiting room.

Red closed her eyes as she sat in her car in the parking lot. She glanced at Parker in the rearview. "We need to get your mommy home, don't we? You must miss her so much, Parker." Her voice broke on the last word, and she leant against the wheel as she finally let her own tears flow.

Luschek lumbered over towards Nicky, his hands shoved into his pockets. He didn't look at her, his gaze instead focused on the TV, as he asked if she was okay. "Everything good after this morning?"

"Careful, Luschek, you almost made it look like you care." Nicky cocked an eyebrow at him, leaning back on her chair. Her tone was icy cold, and he was half concerned, but the smirk on her face said otherwise.

Luschek feigned hurt, leaning against the table she was sitting at. "Of course I care. Who else is going to provide quality drama in this place? Sure, the methheads are entertaining, but there's no substance."

"You're a sick fuck, Luschek," Nicky said, rolling her eyes. She looked up at him through mascara laden lashes, her eyes suddenly soft. "Did you see her?"

Luschek straightened, nodding. "Yeah," he said, exhaling. He'd been the CO on duty for visiting when Red had brought the baby in, and as much as he hated kids - because really, what do they bring to the world? - he'd sneaked a peek at the little one. He cleared his throat. "She looked like you."

Nicky laughed. She gestured to her prison uniform. "Well, I sure as hell hope she doesn't end up like me."

Luschek again averted his gaze from Nicky's piercing eyes, and scuffed the floor with the toe of his shoe. "You know, Nichols, there are worse things she could end up being like."

She wasn't sure if it was still the hormones swirling through her system, or if becoming a mother really had softened her, but she felt tears pricking at her eyes. Still, she pushed her hair back and flashed him that infuriating self assured grin. "There you go again with the caring," she said, raising her eyebrows. "These women already think you have a crush on me."

"What?" Luschek snorted a laugh. He lowered his voice. "Half of these women are morons or have their brains fried by drugs - they think I'm the father."

Nicky nodded. She chewed a hangnail on her thumb. "I know," she said. "But maybe I'm the sick fuck, because honestly, I almost wish you were." Her mind floated to the real father of her baby, and she felt sick. He was disgusting, and had taken advantage at her most vulnerable state.

"What the fuck, Nichols?" The look on Luschek's face was a mix of horror and disbelief.

"Yep," Nicky continued. "You'd have given me more drugs for it, I'm sure of it. He was stingy as fuck." She leant back on her chair, closing her eyes. As much as she tried to push the thought of heroin from her mind for her baby's sake, it still stayed there like a flashing beacon. She inhaled as if reliving that night. "Still enjoyed every moment of the high, though."

Luschek glanced down at Nicky. "He was a piece of shit."

"Yeah," Nicky agreed, resigned to the fact. "He really was."


End file.
